Role Model

God is amazing because He isn't too busy for the small stuff.

1. Last night, I was tired. I didn't want to do anything...BUT a friend of mine talked me into running a 5K with her tonight. So, to "warm up" for that, I decided I needed to do something. I walked on my treadmill for about 30 minutes then decided that was good enough. I got some water and as I stood in my kitchen, got a suddenly strong desire to go outside and run. The walk didn't quench this feeling; my body wanted more. It was a beautiful day and beautiful night. So, I went outside with my Ipod blaring one of my favorite songs and I started running. It felt uncharacteristically good. No shin splint pain. So, I decided to try running faster and quickened my pace. This felt even better. I kept up the faster pace for a solid mile before I let up a little. I stopped and started walking. As I did this, I realized that I still had a desire to run...so, I ran sprint/walk intervals for another mile. This felt amazing...and quenched this running fever.

This morning, my abs hurt, my butt hurts, my legs are tight but I feel great! Ready for the 5K!! :)

2. Earlier this week, I was working in my favorite coffee shop on my "take home statistics exam". I was feeling a little guilty that I was working on grad school work and not planning lessons or grading or doing something else for work. As I was feeling guilty, one of my favorite ladies entered the shop: my grad mentor! I hadn't seen her in several months (as she's been on maternity leave) and the last time she saw me face-to-face, I was in a very bad position (literally having a panic attack about work). Seeing her, talking to her about her life and mine reinforced that I am doing what I am supposed to do and my guilt faded away.

3. Real talk for a minute: being a grown up is tough. Managing finances is tough. Supporting my expensive dream of earning a PhD on a teacher's salary is tough. Having to replace my washer/dryer unexpectedly on a budget is tough. That being said, I'm running low on cash this month and I'm too proud to ask anybody for money. I've been doing some work as a private tutor/editor for several clients to make extra money and establish a client base for next year. One of my clients said she was going to mail me a check this week for the papers I've helped her with already. I had shared with her my starting rates and had kept track of how much she owed me. I had a figure in my head. I got the check this morning and it was WAY more than I expected! Immediately, I called to inquire as to the amount and demand she let me send most of it back. Her response was that she really appreciated my help and that I was doing her a great service by taking the time to help her...and that I needed to keep the money. Thanks to this act of generosity, I am no longer in financial need and don't have to dive into my savings. :)

God is great and has blessed me with knowing so many wonderful individuals who encourage and support me, whether that is with getting my butt in shape, working on achieving my dreams or doing what I love most, teaching and editing. I'm a lucky girl and love a great and powerful God that is never too busy for my somewhat insignificant needs.

-Tracey

March Madness...

What a stressful and busy February this has been! Definitely one of the craziest yet. Last year, March was my busiest month and while I think this February will be hard to compete with, March might take the lead. Here is what's in store for the 2012 March Madness...

-Trip to San Antonio for the best friend's birthday
-5K race.
-Spring Break in New York City
-Spring Break loving up on family :)
-STAAR...boo...
-Trip to Scottsdale to visit the bestie
-Throw in graduate school, teaching, a few tests, project deadlines, working out, etc, etc...

It's going to be a crazy busy time but I am beyond excited! Actually, the rest of spring is full of great opportunities, good times with loved ones and all around enjoying life doing what I love. I couldn't ask for more than that.

-Tracey

I wasn't expecting...

to be hit with so many emotions today or to feel so much of God in my life. Let me begin with highlighting my awesome Friday night. Now, I am a 24-year-old, but definitely not the typical kind...most 24-year-olds are out on dates, dancing the night away with friends, having a few drinks, etc, etc on Friday nights. This girl, not so much. Last night, I got home and after a very long week at work, was EXHAUSTED! (Seems to be my buzz-word lately!) I decided to relax with a pizza and movie. I ate some pizza, yes. However, I put on the movie and made it about an hour in..and fell asleep on the couch. A few hours later, I woke up and dragged myself and Jack to bed where I slept amazingly until about 4 this morning. Dang it! I checked emails and responded to a few texts then went back to sleep until about 7, when I decided to wake up. Here is where my emotions of the day began...

1. One of my emails this morning was a swift kick in the butt from an amazing friend/colleague to get moving on some grad school projects. I have three projects that are about to be set in motion, all wonderful opportunities. It may be rough doing them all, but in the end, it will be worth it. Somehow this email lit a fire under me. I spent the first 4 hours of my day at my favorite coffee shop reading for one of my classes and thinking about these projects. Then, I went home, did some more studying and read a novel for my other class. I finally got back into my school mindset. I feel like I've lost that mindset since I devoted all of my spare energy, brain-power and time to teaching...feels great to feel like myself again. Let's face it, I'm meant to be a student right now. It makes me feel complete.

2. I felt a tug at my heart as I realized that one of my dearest and truest friends is officially leaving me! I could not be happier for her, her upcoming marriage, transferring to a new school that is more aligned to her goals, chasing her dreams, everything...BUT I'm also selfish in that I want her to stay here with me. She and her fiance packed up her things and headed out to their new home in Arizona today. I will miss the Wednesday night girls' nights, movie dates, 3 and 4-hour long lunch dates, pedicures, shopping, trips to Houston, eating sweets, laughing...basically all of the K&T time. I felt sad knowing she is leaving, but happy at the same time. It reminds me that growing up is hard.

3. I have often expressed my dissatisfaction with being "stuck" where I am. I am here for a reason and that is to finish school. While I couldn't be happier about this, sometimes I feel like everyone else is passing me by. It seems like everyone else is graduating, getting married, moving forward...and I am STILL working on my last degree. I know this is all in my head, but it takes it's toll. College Station is a nice, little town to live in but certainly not where I want to be long-term. I get bored here quite often. However, today, I was reminded of why I do enjoy living here, why I consider it my hometown (where I've really grown-up) and finally, the perfect place to be finishing my degree. After working hard at the coffee shop for hours, I decided to run by the grocery store to pick up some food for the week. My bag was full of textbooks, my computer, notebooks, etc. and I didn't want to carry it around HEB so I just took in my wallet. As I walked around the store, I set my wallet on the top of the shopping cart. I finished my shopping, paid for my groceries and took everything out to my car. I loaded up, placed the cart in the "buggy return" and drove home. After I unpacked my groceries, ate lunch, watched a movie, took Jack for a walk, I decided to read more for class. I went to my bag to unpack my books and realized something was missing...you guessed it, my wallet! I promptly called HEB to find that, yes, they had my wallet! I rushed back to HEB to find that my wallet was completely intact, credit cards, money and all! Wow! It's nice to live somewhere where I can be a completely spaced-out grad student and still be safe! This could have ended very badly. Thank God for College Station and it's good-hearted people!

All in all, I've had a wonderfully productive day that gave me a glimpse of what it will be like next year to be a full-time student completely devoted to my studies. Early mornings full of reading and collaborating, afternoons of more reading, eating and my favorite, movies and evenings of reflection and writing...in a town that can handle the fact that I'm slowly losing my sanity. :)

-Tracey

Exhaustion

This week, I was feeling really run down and got bed-rested with what I thought was an everyday stomach virus. While I do believe this was a true illness, I have learned that the real cause of my lack of energy and days down was not a stomach virus but exhaustion. Over the past few years, I have realized that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Yes, it is ok to want more out of life and to continue growing yourself, but for some reason, I think that ALLLLLL has to happen right now. As a result, I am pushing myself to my limits without knowing it, until something like this week happens and I am crushed for a few days. After sleeping for two days and feeling off for four days, I am back to hitting the ground running. It is the weekend, but I don't plan to take it easy, as I probably should.

As usual, I'm trying to be optimistic so I am finding something good in this hectic week. Lately, I've been trying to make a very big decision and while, in my mind, this decision is made, I cannot execute it. That really stumps me because I have no reason to hesitate and I know I am making the right choice. Well, yesterday, I feel like God spoke to me through three individuals, who brought up the same random topic of conversation with me. I always see events like this as His way of speaking to me and making me listen. After thinking about these conversations and reflecting on my life right now and what I want in the future, I have reached a conclusion.

At work today, one of my colleagues commented on a lesson I put together at 10:30 the night before. I have this terrible procrastination complex and work best under pressure and push time limits to their edge without tipping over. So, I planned a kick-ass lesson at 10:30 the night before, walked in and taught it the next morning. I work BEST this way...which is not ideal for the conditions I work in. Anywho, she looked at me puzzled and asked me why I can't plan things ahead of time. I told her that I have so much to do all the time, that that is how things work for me. I'm not sitting around doing nothing, but I am always working...I just have to take things by priority at the time. This conversation got me thinking about why I'm doing so much...

Secondly, at lunch yesterday a colleague pulled me aside to verify a rumor she had heard about me. I neither acknowledged or denied the rumor, but merely said I wouldn't comment on it. She implied that she considered this rumor a negative thing and wanted to not procreate more negativity so she was setting the record straight. I was a bit stunned by this comment as I didn't see the rumor as a negative thing. This got me thinking about my perception of life and how it is being shown to others...

Finally, yesterday, I had dinner with my mom. Since we are so close, she had no qualms about asking me or telling me that she thought something was wrong with me. (Thanks, Mom). She questioned me about where my desire to constantly achieve more and never be satisfied came from. Was it a product of my raising? Was it due to some trauma I endured? What was it? I didn't have an answer. This got me thinking, would less really be more for me?

See what I mean? God got me thinking about three very important ideas that are tied together and tied to my decision. As if that weren't over-kill enough on the topic, He revealed to me my answers in one more way.

Wednesday night, one of my former roommates called me to chat about life and friends. She had mentioned a book to me, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which she thought I should read. Well, I began reading it last night during the storms raging outside (and ironically, in my mind). The first part of the book is all about perceptions and how they shape our behaviors and ideals. In my mind, working yourself hard and helping as many people as possible signifies success. But, it's actually doing the opposite in my life. Yes, I am helping lots of people and doing a bunch of great things, but I'm losing me in the process. This got me thinking about what perceptions I should really be focused on in my own life...

Ok, God, got the message! It's funny that He should know me so well. I love a good mystery, hate being told what to do and have to do everything wrong before I do anything right. He gave me four puzzle pieces to fit together and decide what to do (although He showed me what is best). Finally, He let me do everything wrong for years to realize what I need to do that's best for me, and for all the people I will help in the future.

Thanks, God for the wake-up call! Thanks to my colleagues for asking me tough questions. Thanks, Mom, for supporting me and not being afraid to challenge me (and no, this isn't your fault). Thanks, former roommate, for sharing the book that helped give me "perspective".

I have to admit that now with clarity, I am scared. I'm afraid to do what I want and do what is best (which for the first time, I believe are the same). It's tough, but I know God will pull me through. (And if on the off-chance I'm doing exactly what He doesn't want me to do, He'll pull me through that as well.)

Here goes everything...

-Tracey

Ponderings...

WARNING: There may will be cursing ahead.

I'm feeling really run-down today and under the weather, so while I am recuperating in bed, I figured I would sort through some thoughts buzzing around my head.

First of all, I have been under an inexplicable amount of stress lately that even I couldn't figure out...until today. When I woke up, I had received a random email talking about unconventional symptoms of stress. Among the list was: hair loss, weakened immune system, sweating and memory loss. All of which have been suffered recently by yours truly. Now, I say that this stress is "inexplicable", but today I was reminded of why I'm so stressed (funny how I always seem to need reminding of when my plate is too full). So, the second thing that happened when I woke up today was I had an email from my grad school mentor. She was offering me a great tutoring opportunity (for pay) but indicated that she assumed I was too busy. She knows me well-enough to preface with this or I would have said yes. As I was typing my reply to her and telling her about the on-goings of life, I mentioned what all I was doing and realized why I'm stressed:
1. Teaching 8th graders (and working massive hours per day/nights/weekends)
2. 6 hours of PhD coursework (easy-peasy)
3. Tutoring/Editing for 4 clients this semester
4. Trying to organize and conduct my first study
5. Bootcamp workouts 3-4 times per week
6. Social life
7. Family and Jack

Ok, so is really any surprise I'm stressed? No. Will it change? No. Glad that's cleared up.

The second thing that has been on my mind lately is relationship dynamics. I mean all kinds of relationships: relationships between friends, relationships between mentors, romantic relationships, relationships between colleagues, etc. In the past year, I have put my career goals aside (slightly) and have begun focusing more on the people around me. My relationships have blossomed in so many ways and I am pleased by the outcomes, but I still have so many questions about some of these dynamics that I don't understand. Primarily, this year I have already learned some valuable lessons.

1. Reliance. I wouldn't have survived the past 2 years of my life (juggling work and school) without my best friends. I am so fortunate to get to spend my morning drive to work at 6:30 each morning with a call from my best friend. What a great way to start the day, no matter what we talk about. Then, I get to have at least 2 girls' nights a week with my other best friends. These relationships let me know that no matter what happens throughout the day, no matter how beaten down or defeated I may feel, I have wonderful women to share the joys and trials with. Beyond that, I know I have people who I can count on for anything. Yesterday, when I got home feeling sick, 4 friends offered to bring me drugs, soup and whatever I needed. I also have friends I can rely on to help take care of my puppy for me on my 14-hour days when I don't get to come home. That's the true meaning of love and having people you can rely on.

2. Respect. As a teacher, the most valuable lesson I have learned is respect. You must show respect to earn respect. You must earn respect through actions and words to keep it. You can easily lose it, even with one mistake. In all of my difficult decisions I've already had to make this year, respect has been the primary deciding factor. I have learned that as part of my personality, respect is vital for me. I must feel respected by the people around me in order to maintain relationships with those people OR return the respect. I'm thankful to know so many people who I do respect.

3. Games. (If you think this about you, you're probably right, and I'm ok with that.) I love games: video games, sports games, board games, online games). However, I do not love romantic games. I know I've written about romantic relationships quite often, especially recently, as my good friends are pairing up in lasting relationships and I am not. I admitted a lot of things about myself in relationships and once again, recently, was reminded of the one thing I hate most: games. I still maintain that "back-in-the-day" (whether that be high school, or even before) dating was easier and a lot less complicated. Today, people want to play games. They want someone in their "corner" as a safety net at all times. Just in case it doesn't work out with the current person, there is someone to fall back on. I know I've been this person for someone for a long time. I know friends of mine who have been this person for someone for a long time. I'm making the wake-up call for myself and for those friends of mine and anyone else who reads this and feels the same way: don't be the safety net. As one of my favorite movies, The Holiday, says "You deserve to be the leading lady of your own life". That's the philosophy I am now going to approach dating with...I'm the leading lady or no lady. :) I like it.

4. Positivity. This has altered a lot of my relationships with people this year, in numerous ways. Just by being positive about something I see as bad has made it more bearable. For example, I have been (mostly) positive about bootcamp. I'll be honest, I hate it while I'm doing. It's ok to not like working out. However, I love how I feel afterwards...and the 6lbs I've lost in 3 weeks ain't bad either! So, being positive while I'm doing and after has made it more bearable and had some great repercussions for me!

5. Find the Silver Lining. Last year, when things got really rough for me, I made a goal to find the silver lining in each day. Something special or worthwhile that happened to brighten my day. I think I'm going to bring that back. Coming soon...

My last pondering deals with myself. Last week, I had my students journal about "How others see them?" to see if they see themselves clearly. This made me consider whether or not I see myself clearly. I see myself as young, successful, judgmental, opinionated and hard-working. I doubt anyone would argue with that. However, I often feel like I am drowning or floundering rather than succeeding. That brings me to my final thought...two ways in which I was described within the past month...

1. "I remember meeting you. The famous Tracey Hodges!" - from a sweet grad school friend about meeting me last year

2. "This is my friend Tracey. She is like a teacher, PhD aficionado. She's 24 and has her shit together!" - an outspoken, like-minded grad school friend introducing me to some of her friends at her wedding reception

I'm definitely ok with being the "24-year-old with her shit together" and I would whole-heartedly agree (even on my toughest days) with that description.

-Tracey

The Tipping Point...

Stress has moved into my life like a tornado (appropriate connection after today's weather fiasco). I have never felt stress like this before and I am finding it hard to manage. How stressed am I?

1. I am convinced today is Friday and have a desire to stay up late (even though I KNOW it is Wednesday and I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning).
2. I cannot remember whether I have washed my hair in the morning, so I wash my hair more than once.
3. I keep dropping things and walking into things (like doors and chairs) because I can't focus.

Now, while I do feel very stressed, I have found a few pretty wonderful escapes. (Although the stress is threatening to encroach on those escapes.)

1. Grad School (always)
2. My new workouts (I've lost 5 lbs!)
3. Talking with my friends about healthy food and working out.

I think I am experiencing an extra euphoric-ness (that has to be a word) after these stress-relieving activities due to the extreme nature of the stress. I think I must be going a little crazy, but hey, that's life. All I can do is keep trucking, pray for patience and hope the storm passes quickly.

-Tracey

Your Yellow Rose of Texas Remembers

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.

I remember standing on that stage in my yellow dress that you told me made me look like your “Yellow Rose of Texas”.
The look in your eyes said you were impressed with the young lady who twirled in your living room, curls bouncing, an innocent smile upon her face.

I remember that one summer vacation when we fished nearly everyday.
The dock has remained absent for these years as it doesn’t hold the same jubilant spirit that died with you.
All the memories lay dormant in my mind, the fishing, the laughing, the life lessons…
The arguing, the yelling, the chastising, and seeing myself in your reflection.

I remember the day you came charging the house on the golf cart, yelling for me to come,
I jumped on and we raced to the pond where your fishing pole hung on the dock.
You shouted orders for me to hold the pole out of the water while you shot and I didn’t understand,
But when I pulled the pole out, I saw the snake eating the fish and watched you shoot,
I still don’t know why I remember that memory, but it’s one of the clearest.

I remember you teaching me the little bit of Spanish I still recall today.
I think you’d be proud of my teaching,
And to know that what you taught me held meaning.
You were strong and impatient and the reason we were so close is that I am from the same mold.
The strength and tough exterior layer is what has gotten me through these past 6 years and especially the past 2.

I remember watching the Winter Olympics that year and arguing over the winners.
I loved figure skating and you took an interest to it…
You watched every bit of the competition just to be able to fight with me.
I loved that, even if we drove Grandma crazy with our constant bickering.
I am sad that we never came to a resolution.

I remember nursing your hand when you burned yourself or cut yourself fixing dinner when Grandma was in the nursing home.
We drove to see her almost every day,
And I helped you run your errands like buying fish food and turnips.
You were the person who taught me how to write a check because you refused to use a card.

I remember holding your hand and crying with you when Gidget the cat died of cancer,
It was one of the first times I had seen a grown man cry.
That taught me it is ok to cry sometimes, even if you are tough.
Tears are love pouring from within,
One of the few tangible reminders that love without pain isn’t deep enough.

I remember talking about what I would be when I grew up and sitting in your lap.
You were so proud that I would soon be graduating high school.
We talked about A&M and I showed you the acceptance letter.
You said you would give me a red rose for graduation like you did to wish me good luck in the pageant…
I know you sent me one from Heaven, where I hope you now reside.

I remember the best Christmas ever and the one that still fills my brain and heart with joy reminding me that they can be connected.
Going to the hospital and seeing you lay there so helpless but full of spirit,
Teasing me that I should be wearing the heart monitor because my heart was jumping for the ignorant boy I brought with me to see you,
Laughing a laugh I had never heard.

I remember that Christmas seeing you laugh and smile and home surrounded by family.
I had never seen you or everyone else so happy and I was blissfully happy at the news the doctor gave that we would have you for many more years…
That Christmas stays with me full of joy and love and zero pain.

I remember so many things about you but most of all, I remember my one regret.
The doctor’s words and promises of “years” echoed in my mind as I became absorbed in my own life…
Obsessing with my first love, rebelling against the rules I had tirelessly followed,
Rushing through my last few months of high school as if life would run out,
Forgetting to come visit you like I had done every day for 6 years.

I remember that I had not seen you in 2 weeks, despite the fact that you lived less than a football field away.

I remember waking early that Sunday morning to the phone ringing and hearing dad’s words utter my worst fear.

I remember pulling the covers over my ears and pretending I didn’t hear because then it wouldn’t be true.

I remember hearing the sirens rush by outside and knowing where they were going and what they would find.

I remember my phone buzzing by my ear, sounding like the scratching of nails on a chalkboard and stabbing me from the inside out.

I remember sprinting as fast as I could next door and being scared to death to walk inside.

I remember smelling death as I walked inside and seeing the red outlines of eyes in the pained faces of everyone.

I remember kneeling down beside you and touching your hand, which was laying over your chest.

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.
Your Yellow Rose of Texas remembers and misses you still.