When I was a little girl (around 4, I think), I discovered love. Love that could brighten my day no matter what. Love that was solid and unwavering. Love that made me believe I could do anything or be anyone I wanted. This love was reading.
Once I learned how to read, I couldn't stop. It was not uncommon for me to cry and throw a tantrum if my family would not take me to the library to get new books. I had a library card at such a young age, I couldn't even sign my own name. I would check out the maximum number of books at a time and went often. My mom put me in book clubs during the summers and ordered me books all the time. I went through phases of loving certain series, authors or genres (just as I do today). I would read everything I could get my hands on. I knew this was love.
As I grew older, this love did not change even as I became interested in sports, boys, working, etc. All the way through high school, I was an avid reader. In college, I was an English major so many of my classes forced me to read novels in addition to textbooks. I loved it. Then, when I graduated and entered the work force, something changed.
All at once, I was thrown into working more than I ever had in my life and going to school full-time at night. I had no spare time to read. I would try to read before I went to bed each night, just as I had done for years before, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to do so. My mom and friends who are also avid readers would try to talk to me about books, but I wouldn't be able to join the conversation because I hadn't read a book in months. The longest I had ever gone without enjoying what the black and white pages could offer.
It seemed strange to me that this could happen, especially since my love for reading paved the road to where I am now. I am an English teacher because of this love. (Seriously, a career where I get to read and write everyday and share that with others? Done.) It is also the soul source of my PhD studies in reading education. As I got older, I realized that (gasp!) there are people who do not like to read! And worse, many people who don't know how to read (this can't be!). So, I decided it would be my life's work to share a love for reading and writing with everyone I could, and to help those who are struggling. Hence, where I am today: a PhD student studying reading and writing education and a secondary English teacher.
Now, how could I really let this love be pushed aside by work, school, friends, family, Jack (the puppy), dating, life, etc. This had to stop. So, over Spring Break, I began reading a novel for fun again. Gosh, I enjoyed it. To get to be someone else for a short period of time. To get to go on wild adventures. To get to experience a life so unlike my own. It was mesmerizing. In the past two weeks, I have read 3 new novels and today I am starting my 4th. Do I really have time for this? Short answer, no. However, I love it too much to not do it. So, I will stay awake a few extra hours each night because I have to discover more and find out what happens next. I'll wake up just a little earlier, reach over to my bedside table and pick up where I left off the night before. It is pure joy and love, and it's worth it.
-Tracey
Recent Reads:
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Something Borrowed by Emily Griffin
Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond - The Pioneer Woman
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Best Compliment I Have Ever Received :)
Thursday, in my 7th grade Language Arts class, my students were creating plot diagrams over a novel we had just finished reading. We had previously discussed the elements of a plot diagram and had used a short story we read as practice, then I set them off on their own. As I was walking around monitoring their work, I came upon two young gentlemen who were talking more than they were working (typical for these two boys). I calmly approached them, "Boys, can you focus on your plot diagrams, please?" I asked in my sweet-natured, teaching voice. I immediately get a response.
"But, Ms. Hodges, we are talking about a book!" one of the boys replied.
"Well, I think that is wonderful but is the book the one you are supposed to be completing a plot diagram over?" I replied, already knowing the answer.
"No." was the simple answer.
Now, usually at this point, the student will look down at his/her assignment and get back to work as I walk away and continue monitoring the other students. However, that is not what took place on this particular day.
"Ms. Hodges?" the boy continued. "Have you ever seen the movie 'Freedom Writer'?" he asked.
I replied that I had seen it and really liked it. He then asked me about the book it was based on, so I told him a little bit about the book and how it chronicles the lives of some students living in extreme situations. They are able to overcome their tough lives through the inspiration of writing brought to them by their teacher. The student seemed really interested, even asking me if we could read the book in class. (I had to tell him that the language and content was a little inappropriate for school, but that we might be able to read some chapters that were less controversial.) He said he had watched the movie because of an after-school ministry program. His mentor had told him that the movie showed how people could change even when they felt hopeless. I could see in his eyes that he felt a connection to the stories of these students and saw parallels to his own life. I felt proud of him for being able to see the connections. (I know he has been trying to make changes in his life as well.)
Then, he said something that will stay with me forever. In my short stint as a teacher, this is the second most significant success I have felt. (The first being the success written about in the blog about John.)
"Ms. Hodges, you remind me of her. You are always so nice and pleasant (yes, he said pleasant) to us and you really seem to care about our lives," he calmly said to me.
All I could say was "thank you" as I thought, "Wow, comparing me to Erin Gruwell. I'm not sure I deserve that." I smiled for the rest of the day as I told myself that this was God's way of telling me that I am, in fact, in the right place and I am doing something right.
-Tracey
"But, Ms. Hodges, we are talking about a book!" one of the boys replied.
"Well, I think that is wonderful but is the book the one you are supposed to be completing a plot diagram over?" I replied, already knowing the answer.
"No." was the simple answer.
Now, usually at this point, the student will look down at his/her assignment and get back to work as I walk away and continue monitoring the other students. However, that is not what took place on this particular day.
"Ms. Hodges?" the boy continued. "Have you ever seen the movie 'Freedom Writer'?" he asked.
I replied that I had seen it and really liked it. He then asked me about the book it was based on, so I told him a little bit about the book and how it chronicles the lives of some students living in extreme situations. They are able to overcome their tough lives through the inspiration of writing brought to them by their teacher. The student seemed really interested, even asking me if we could read the book in class. (I had to tell him that the language and content was a little inappropriate for school, but that we might be able to read some chapters that were less controversial.) He said he had watched the movie because of an after-school ministry program. His mentor had told him that the movie showed how people could change even when they felt hopeless. I could see in his eyes that he felt a connection to the stories of these students and saw parallels to his own life. I felt proud of him for being able to see the connections. (I know he has been trying to make changes in his life as well.)
Then, he said something that will stay with me forever. In my short stint as a teacher, this is the second most significant success I have felt. (The first being the success written about in the blog about John.)
"Ms. Hodges, you remind me of her. You are always so nice and pleasant (yes, he said pleasant) to us and you really seem to care about our lives," he calmly said to me.
All I could say was "thank you" as I thought, "Wow, comparing me to Erin Gruwell. I'm not sure I deserve that." I smiled for the rest of the day as I told myself that this was God's way of telling me that I am, in fact, in the right place and I am doing something right.
-Tracey
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Living with no fear...
Lately, I have been musing on what the Lord is teaching me in my single days about how to be in a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that while I have the curse of choosing guys that are less than upstanding citizens, I am partially to blame for the failures of relationships. While I want to be "relationship girl", I'm just not. I like my independence. I like my free time. I like being unattached. I really like not having to constantly worry about the needs and wants of another person. Yes, I am the mothering kind who likes to take care of others, but not a boyfriend. This is part of my "problem" in being 23 and completely single with no potentials. However, I have realized lately a second factor that is huge in making my relationships successes or failures. Something that has yet to be part of a romantic relationship I've been part of: no fear.
I am the kind of girl who will tell you like it is. Often, I speak without thinking, or think but choose to say what I want anyway. I'm blunt. I'm honest. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Despite this, I have never been in a romantic relationship free of fear. In relationships with my family, I know I can say anything I want, do anything I want and they will still love me the same way. I can say mean, horrible things and get into fights with my mom or dad or sister, and I know our relationships will not be hindered. If anything, they will be stronger. With my best friends, it's the same thing. I can tell them anything, even if I know they won't like it, and they will still love and support me. There is nothing that can change this. However, this has never been part of a romantic relationship. I will know I've found the right guy when I can tell him absolutely anything, get mad at him or do anything and know that he will still love and care for me. Here's to hopeful searching on this front...
Now, I don't want this blog to be all about relationships...I feel as though this has been a recurring theme in my last few posts, and believe it or not, I actually have far more important and exciting things going on in my life. (Obviously, since I'm single.) :)
Earlier in the semester, with the job cuts and budget cuts to school districts, I was fearful. Fearful of whether or not my position would be cut. Fearful of whether or not I would be cut. Fearful of not being able to find a high school job, if that's what I decided I wanted. Fearful of not getting scholarships or loans to help pay for the doctorate. Fearful of everything.
Geez, I'm so silly! Notice what pronoun prevails in the statements above? "I". How selfish! While I am absorbed in my own selfish fears, God delivered. Last week, I had conversations with several professors about potential opportunities for grants, work study, loans, etc. to pay for school. Last night, I had a conversation with a gentleman about a potential job opportunity at a junior college in the summer. I've had many conversations with people about the prospects of my current job staying in tact and potential high school/coaching positions. God delivered and completely subdued my fears, even when I was so undeserving. All at once, I am again (as I always am) aware of the fact that I can do nothing without Him, and if I will just trust, He will take care of everything. (This includes my "men" problems.)
"For if my God is with me, whom than shall I fear? Whom than shall I fear? Oh, no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh, no, You never let go. In every high and every low. Oh, no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me."
-Tracey
I am the kind of girl who will tell you like it is. Often, I speak without thinking, or think but choose to say what I want anyway. I'm blunt. I'm honest. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Despite this, I have never been in a romantic relationship free of fear. In relationships with my family, I know I can say anything I want, do anything I want and they will still love me the same way. I can say mean, horrible things and get into fights with my mom or dad or sister, and I know our relationships will not be hindered. If anything, they will be stronger. With my best friends, it's the same thing. I can tell them anything, even if I know they won't like it, and they will still love and support me. There is nothing that can change this. However, this has never been part of a romantic relationship. I will know I've found the right guy when I can tell him absolutely anything, get mad at him or do anything and know that he will still love and care for me. Here's to hopeful searching on this front...
Now, I don't want this blog to be all about relationships...I feel as though this has been a recurring theme in my last few posts, and believe it or not, I actually have far more important and exciting things going on in my life. (Obviously, since I'm single.) :)
Earlier in the semester, with the job cuts and budget cuts to school districts, I was fearful. Fearful of whether or not my position would be cut. Fearful of whether or not I would be cut. Fearful of not being able to find a high school job, if that's what I decided I wanted. Fearful of not getting scholarships or loans to help pay for the doctorate. Fearful of everything.
Geez, I'm so silly! Notice what pronoun prevails in the statements above? "I". How selfish! While I am absorbed in my own selfish fears, God delivered. Last week, I had conversations with several professors about potential opportunities for grants, work study, loans, etc. to pay for school. Last night, I had a conversation with a gentleman about a potential job opportunity at a junior college in the summer. I've had many conversations with people about the prospects of my current job staying in tact and potential high school/coaching positions. God delivered and completely subdued my fears, even when I was so undeserving. All at once, I am again (as I always am) aware of the fact that I can do nothing without Him, and if I will just trust, He will take care of everything. (This includes my "men" problems.)
"For if my God is with me, whom than shall I fear? Whom than shall I fear? Oh, no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh, no, You never let go. In every high and every low. Oh, no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me."
-Tracey
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Here's to you, Daddy: the last of a dying breed...
So, I have had this blog in my head for a very long time. I will preface by saying that I usually try to find the optimism in everything I write, but tonight, I just want to be pessimistic. Especially, on this topic.
This is something I say to my dad on a regular basis. Every time a man makes me feel unspecial or doesn't treat me the way I think is right, every time a relationship fails, every time I get annoyed at the fact that I have friends getting married (way too young)...I look him in the eyes and say, "Dad, you are the last of a dying breed". He completely understands the implications of what I am saying...guys just aren't like they used to be.
What do I mean? Simple. My father takes care of the women in his life and is a true provider and protector. He single-handedly takes care of my mom, sister, myself and his mother. Unconditionally. Without wanting anything in return. With being completely satisfied with my presence as all the thanks he needs. He constantly goes above and beyond for the women he loves.
To demonstrate, I will share a small story. One day last summer when I was preparing for my upcoming teaching position, I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor at my parent's house sorting school supplies I had acquired. I off-handedly mentioned that I should put labels on my pens and pencils that say "NOT MY PEN" so that the students wouldn't accidentally take them. I kept on with what I was doing. The next morning, I woke up and came into the kitchen. Sitting on the kitchen counter were printed labels that said "NOT MY PEN", cut out and laminated. :) What a sweetheart. Guys, this is the kind of thing that completely melts my heart every time. Every single time I go visit my parent's my dad makes me homemade cinnamon rolls from scratch because I love them so much, and he always fills my truck with gas. :)
He is unconditionally loving to my mom, his wife of 33 (soon-to-be-34) years. He is willing to do absolutely anything to make my mom, sister, grandmother and myself happy or to meet a need we have. Without complaint, he works more than any person I have ever seen. As I hope my story demonstrated, the one thing he does that means more to me than anything in the world is that he listens to what I say. He hears me tell him what I need or want and he always pulls through.
Now, I am not naive enough to believe that I could ever be lucky enough to find a man as great as my father to call my husband (in the distant future). However, it would be nice to meet a guy that is at least in the ballpark. I cannot even find a guy who is nice enough to take me out on a date, much less meet my emotional or physical needs. At this point in my life, I simply want someone who is nice to me and consistent. Someone who wants to see me and has the ability to not be a total jerk. That would be lovely.
So, the point of this blog is to answer a question: is the older generation of men (and I mean older as in my father's age) really the last of a dying breed? At least from my side of the story, the answer will have to wait (possibly for 10 or more years...or possibly never).
-Tracey
This is something I say to my dad on a regular basis. Every time a man makes me feel unspecial or doesn't treat me the way I think is right, every time a relationship fails, every time I get annoyed at the fact that I have friends getting married (way too young)...I look him in the eyes and say, "Dad, you are the last of a dying breed". He completely understands the implications of what I am saying...guys just aren't like they used to be.
What do I mean? Simple. My father takes care of the women in his life and is a true provider and protector. He single-handedly takes care of my mom, sister, myself and his mother. Unconditionally. Without wanting anything in return. With being completely satisfied with my presence as all the thanks he needs. He constantly goes above and beyond for the women he loves.
To demonstrate, I will share a small story. One day last summer when I was preparing for my upcoming teaching position, I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor at my parent's house sorting school supplies I had acquired. I off-handedly mentioned that I should put labels on my pens and pencils that say "NOT MY PEN" so that the students wouldn't accidentally take them. I kept on with what I was doing. The next morning, I woke up and came into the kitchen. Sitting on the kitchen counter were printed labels that said "NOT MY PEN", cut out and laminated. :) What a sweetheart. Guys, this is the kind of thing that completely melts my heart every time. Every single time I go visit my parent's my dad makes me homemade cinnamon rolls from scratch because I love them so much, and he always fills my truck with gas. :)
He is unconditionally loving to my mom, his wife of 33 (soon-to-be-34) years. He is willing to do absolutely anything to make my mom, sister, grandmother and myself happy or to meet a need we have. Without complaint, he works more than any person I have ever seen. As I hope my story demonstrated, the one thing he does that means more to me than anything in the world is that he listens to what I say. He hears me tell him what I need or want and he always pulls through.
Now, I am not naive enough to believe that I could ever be lucky enough to find a man as great as my father to call my husband (in the distant future). However, it would be nice to meet a guy that is at least in the ballpark. I cannot even find a guy who is nice enough to take me out on a date, much less meet my emotional or physical needs. At this point in my life, I simply want someone who is nice to me and consistent. Someone who wants to see me and has the ability to not be a total jerk. That would be lovely.
So, the point of this blog is to answer a question: is the older generation of men (and I mean older as in my father's age) really the last of a dying breed? At least from my side of the story, the answer will have to wait (possibly for 10 or more years...or possibly never).
-Tracey
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Dreams of Summer...
Summer vacation is officially less than 10 weeks away (69, but who's counting). I am so ready for a long break and could not be more excited about what this summer will bring. I have been dreaming about this summer for a few months now. So what does it bring?
1. First of all, this summer will bring a complete make-over for my house. I bought the house almost a year ago (I can't believe it!) and still haven't got it quite where I want it. I will not be renting out my spare bedrooms next year, so that space will be mine to do with what I want. This make-over will begin by adding fresh paint to every room. Secondly, I will be cleaning all of the carpets, bleaching every spare inch of space and getting every last particle of dirt out of there! This will take some time, as three girls and two dogs can accumulate quite a bit of dirt, but I'm ready for it. I love to clean and this will be like summer cleaning on steroids. Finally, I am reorganizing all of the space and buying new furniture for most of the rooms (thank you, tax return).
The living room will be getting a new tv and some new lamps along with an accent table for the front entryway (granted I can find one I like). Other than that, it is perfect just the way it is and I love it! The kitchen will be getting a new dining set that I am in love with and two bar stools for extra seating. The inside of every kitchen cabinet and the pantry are also going to go through major overhaul.
The front bedroom will be turned into my personal study/office. I am painting one wall maroon, and the others an off-white color. (Yes, this will also be my tribute to A&M. I figure three degrees later, it's time to be THAT Aggie.) I am buying new bookshelves (probably 3) for one wall of the room to put all of my novels and research books on. Right now, they are on two (falling apart) bookshelves in my room and in stacks all over the place. I am also getting a desk and a few fun study chairs to complete the space. The room will be decorated with all of my Aggie pictures and my degrees. I am really excited about how this room will look but more excited to have a designated place to go study, grade papers, plan lessons, etc.
The back bedroom of my house will be turned into a guest room. I am moving my current full-size bed, dresser, cedar chest and bedside table into that room, and basically calling it done. I might buy some pictures for the walls if I have money left over, but we will see. It will be nice to have a place for friends and family to stay when they come visit.
My bedroom will be getting a new bed, dresser and bedside table. :) Jack (the puppy) and I have decided we would prefer a bigger bed, so we are going for it. It should also be mentioned that all of the furniture in my bedroom is from the 70s, 80s and early 90s and NONE of it matches. :( It is all hand-me-down stuff from my parents (some of which was bought before my parents were even married...ancient times). So, I'm looking forward to having a matching set of furniture that shows my personality.
All-in-all, I am hoping this make-over will take me about two weeks to complete. I am excited to see the results and have a perfectly clean and neat house (if only for a few weeks). The rest of my summer will be spent playing, reading and doing a little traveling.
2. In June, my mom and I are going to New York City for a few days. This is kind of like a graduation gift from my family. I got to go to NYC for my undergrad graduation and now for the master's as well. I love it and would really enjoy living there in the near future. Possibly teach at NYU or Columbia? (Hey, I can dream can't I?) I am also planning to take my mom and sister to a Rangers/Astros game in June. My mom is a huge baseball fan and the Rangers have been her team since I can remember. I think this would be a fun outing for us girls and something we would really enjoy.
July and August are pretty open at this point. I am planning to go watch the Davies Cup in Austin in July. Roddick and Nadal are playing and I have never seen professional tennis played in person despite having played it and loved it for years. I'm pumped that two of my favorite players are coming so close and that I have the opportunity to see them in action. I plan to spend August gearing up to start the PhD and my second year of teaching...oh, and of course planning something fun for my birthday.
3. Other than all of that, I plan to play, go to a lot of sporting events, work out and hang out with my friends and family as much as possible. Jack and I are really going to work on his training and get him up to the level of obedience I want from him. I have also told myself that I am going to read a lot more in the summer. I want to read one teaching, research book and one novel per week (at least). I'm also going to spend a good amount of time in study of God's word and might even try an individual bible study for the summer.
Overall, 69 days cannot come soon enough. I am so excited for this summer and can't wait to enjoy the time off recuperating and doing things I love! :)
-Tracey
1. First of all, this summer will bring a complete make-over for my house. I bought the house almost a year ago (I can't believe it!) and still haven't got it quite where I want it. I will not be renting out my spare bedrooms next year, so that space will be mine to do with what I want. This make-over will begin by adding fresh paint to every room. Secondly, I will be cleaning all of the carpets, bleaching every spare inch of space and getting every last particle of dirt out of there! This will take some time, as three girls and two dogs can accumulate quite a bit of dirt, but I'm ready for it. I love to clean and this will be like summer cleaning on steroids. Finally, I am reorganizing all of the space and buying new furniture for most of the rooms (thank you, tax return).
The living room will be getting a new tv and some new lamps along with an accent table for the front entryway (granted I can find one I like). Other than that, it is perfect just the way it is and I love it! The kitchen will be getting a new dining set that I am in love with and two bar stools for extra seating. The inside of every kitchen cabinet and the pantry are also going to go through major overhaul.
The front bedroom will be turned into my personal study/office. I am painting one wall maroon, and the others an off-white color. (Yes, this will also be my tribute to A&M. I figure three degrees later, it's time to be THAT Aggie.) I am buying new bookshelves (probably 3) for one wall of the room to put all of my novels and research books on. Right now, they are on two (falling apart) bookshelves in my room and in stacks all over the place. I am also getting a desk and a few fun study chairs to complete the space. The room will be decorated with all of my Aggie pictures and my degrees. I am really excited about how this room will look but more excited to have a designated place to go study, grade papers, plan lessons, etc.
The back bedroom of my house will be turned into a guest room. I am moving my current full-size bed, dresser, cedar chest and bedside table into that room, and basically calling it done. I might buy some pictures for the walls if I have money left over, but we will see. It will be nice to have a place for friends and family to stay when they come visit.
My bedroom will be getting a new bed, dresser and bedside table. :) Jack (the puppy) and I have decided we would prefer a bigger bed, so we are going for it. It should also be mentioned that all of the furniture in my bedroom is from the 70s, 80s and early 90s and NONE of it matches. :( It is all hand-me-down stuff from my parents (some of which was bought before my parents were even married...ancient times). So, I'm looking forward to having a matching set of furniture that shows my personality.
All-in-all, I am hoping this make-over will take me about two weeks to complete. I am excited to see the results and have a perfectly clean and neat house (if only for a few weeks). The rest of my summer will be spent playing, reading and doing a little traveling.
2. In June, my mom and I are going to New York City for a few days. This is kind of like a graduation gift from my family. I got to go to NYC for my undergrad graduation and now for the master's as well. I love it and would really enjoy living there in the near future. Possibly teach at NYU or Columbia? (Hey, I can dream can't I?) I am also planning to take my mom and sister to a Rangers/Astros game in June. My mom is a huge baseball fan and the Rangers have been her team since I can remember. I think this would be a fun outing for us girls and something we would really enjoy.
July and August are pretty open at this point. I am planning to go watch the Davies Cup in Austin in July. Roddick and Nadal are playing and I have never seen professional tennis played in person despite having played it and loved it for years. I'm pumped that two of my favorite players are coming so close and that I have the opportunity to see them in action. I plan to spend August gearing up to start the PhD and my second year of teaching...oh, and of course planning something fun for my birthday.
3. Other than all of that, I plan to play, go to a lot of sporting events, work out and hang out with my friends and family as much as possible. Jack and I are really going to work on his training and get him up to the level of obedience I want from him. I have also told myself that I am going to read a lot more in the summer. I want to read one teaching, research book and one novel per week (at least). I'm also going to spend a good amount of time in study of God's word and might even try an individual bible study for the summer.
Overall, 69 days cannot come soon enough. I am so excited for this summer and can't wait to enjoy the time off recuperating and doing things I love! :)
-Tracey
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Unexpected...
This blog is going to revolve around the idea of unexpected occurrences, which have been dominating my life for the past month. Well, where to begin? I guess I will begin by saying that I suppose it is part of the game of life to realize and understand that unexpected things will happen quite frequently. Moreover, they will take us by surprise and shock us to our core, but while they may be wonderful and can even bring satisfaction and pleasure, they may not be lasting. Again, that is a trend in what I will write about here.
First of all, it is no shock to those who know me personally or simply learn about my personality through my writing, that I am jaded by relationships and do not have the highest regard for them. Sure, I believe they are wonderful and have the ability to be lasting and heartfelt, but my experiences have shown me that they are anything but this. True to form, as soon as I decide relationships aren't for me, I get surprised.
Earlier in March, we'll say, I met a man who changed some of my ideas about relationships. Let me tell you, this man took me by complete surprise. I had just ended a relationship and was completely anti-man, as usual. However, this guy came out of no where. I'm not really sure how things began, but I started hanging out with this man, only a few times, and talking to him via text and phone. I have never met someone that I instantly liked so much or someone that I was so interested in within such a short time period. Conversations were actually of substance and I found him incredibly attractive. To me, it seemed I had finally found someone I could be good friends with, and if he was interested, something more. To prove a point further, we had a quick conversation one night about last names. A little background: I have no intention of taking my future husband's last name when I get married because (unless something changes in the next 3 years) I will be a PhD (Dr.) and published author (dissertation and articles) before I am married. Therefore, I find it silly to change my name once my name is already out in my field. I fully plan to hyphenate my last name, though, to show we are joined in marriage. Now, this particular conversation was the first time someone was able to justify why I should take the man's last name. His reasoning made sense to me and I actually respected what he said. Besides that, we were able to discuss politics and education which are important topics to me, that few people can seriously talk about. Finally, he understands being busy and is as much of a work-a-holic as me. There are other things, but I won't go on. Like I said, in such a short period of time and spending such little time together, I have never been so interested in someone.
Now, while that in and of itself was unexpected, worse was when I tried to bring up the topic of expectations. You know, my bluntness. Where is this going? What do you see coming of this? I always have to know (it's the control-freak in me). Unfortunately, while he is a great man and the kind of man I'm looking for, he's not one to look for a relationship. Bummer. (Back to batting 1000 on that front.) He was completely into continuing to hang out and "casually" see each other, but not necessarily anything more. Hmm...
This brings me to some questions floating around in my head. Are my expectations too high? Am I too forward too quickly? Is a serious relationship and marriage really in my future? Should I be ok with casual dating? Is this all I should really ever expect? I'd love to say that after mulling over these questions for the past week, I have answers but that would be a lie. If anything, I'm more confused (and yes, slightly bitter) towards the entire topic.
Onto the next unexpected occurrence. I apologize for the vagueness of this one as well, but I have to be somewhat coy. I am trying to pursue my dreams and the beginnings of living the life I truly want. In order to do that, I have to meet small goals as I continue on to achieve the ultimate goal I have: to help reform education. There is one small goal, in particular, that I have been unable to accomplish as of yet and not because I haven't tried, but because the economy and society have prevented this from happening. I am amazed at the things I am willing to go through, the sacrifices I am willing to make and the pride I am willing to push aside to make sure this goal becomes a reality.
It is incredible to me the unexpected occurrences that have jolted my life lately. While they have been blessings in disguise, they are also challenges that I must adapt to and work through. I'm staying optimistic and telling myself I will use these challenges to build character and continue working towards being the kind of woman I am proud to be. God will take care of the rest, so I should have no worries.
Here's to unexpected occurrences. :)
-Tracey
First of all, it is no shock to those who know me personally or simply learn about my personality through my writing, that I am jaded by relationships and do not have the highest regard for them. Sure, I believe they are wonderful and have the ability to be lasting and heartfelt, but my experiences have shown me that they are anything but this. True to form, as soon as I decide relationships aren't for me, I get surprised.
Earlier in March, we'll say, I met a man who changed some of my ideas about relationships. Let me tell you, this man took me by complete surprise. I had just ended a relationship and was completely anti-man, as usual. However, this guy came out of no where. I'm not really sure how things began, but I started hanging out with this man, only a few times, and talking to him via text and phone. I have never met someone that I instantly liked so much or someone that I was so interested in within such a short time period. Conversations were actually of substance and I found him incredibly attractive. To me, it seemed I had finally found someone I could be good friends with, and if he was interested, something more. To prove a point further, we had a quick conversation one night about last names. A little background: I have no intention of taking my future husband's last name when I get married because (unless something changes in the next 3 years) I will be a PhD (Dr.) and published author (dissertation and articles) before I am married. Therefore, I find it silly to change my name once my name is already out in my field. I fully plan to hyphenate my last name, though, to show we are joined in marriage. Now, this particular conversation was the first time someone was able to justify why I should take the man's last name. His reasoning made sense to me and I actually respected what he said. Besides that, we were able to discuss politics and education which are important topics to me, that few people can seriously talk about. Finally, he understands being busy and is as much of a work-a-holic as me. There are other things, but I won't go on. Like I said, in such a short period of time and spending such little time together, I have never been so interested in someone.
Now, while that in and of itself was unexpected, worse was when I tried to bring up the topic of expectations. You know, my bluntness. Where is this going? What do you see coming of this? I always have to know (it's the control-freak in me). Unfortunately, while he is a great man and the kind of man I'm looking for, he's not one to look for a relationship. Bummer. (Back to batting 1000 on that front.) He was completely into continuing to hang out and "casually" see each other, but not necessarily anything more. Hmm...
This brings me to some questions floating around in my head. Are my expectations too high? Am I too forward too quickly? Is a serious relationship and marriage really in my future? Should I be ok with casual dating? Is this all I should really ever expect? I'd love to say that after mulling over these questions for the past week, I have answers but that would be a lie. If anything, I'm more confused (and yes, slightly bitter) towards the entire topic.
Onto the next unexpected occurrence. I apologize for the vagueness of this one as well, but I have to be somewhat coy. I am trying to pursue my dreams and the beginnings of living the life I truly want. In order to do that, I have to meet small goals as I continue on to achieve the ultimate goal I have: to help reform education. There is one small goal, in particular, that I have been unable to accomplish as of yet and not because I haven't tried, but because the economy and society have prevented this from happening. I am amazed at the things I am willing to go through, the sacrifices I am willing to make and the pride I am willing to push aside to make sure this goal becomes a reality.
It is incredible to me the unexpected occurrences that have jolted my life lately. While they have been blessings in disguise, they are also challenges that I must adapt to and work through. I'm staying optimistic and telling myself I will use these challenges to build character and continue working towards being the kind of woman I am proud to be. God will take care of the rest, so I should have no worries.
Here's to unexpected occurrences. :)
-Tracey
"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets"
and my heart is no exception. These secrets are leading me to do some crazy things these days. I have not changed, but I am making some changes that a younger, less-wise Tracey would not make. In the past few weeks, I have done two things I said I would never do. Neither thing was bad, just things that a younger version of myself would never have dreamed of doing. However, despite these facts, I am pleased with my decisions. For the first time, in a long time, I am following my dreams and hopes of a better future. I am choosing to be patient and ride out the storm to go for what I want.
This line from a song has been in my mind lately, "Take a chance and don't ever look back." It shows that I am taking risks and praying that they play out the way I want, or the way God deems best, in the end. :) Here's to happy hoping.
My "heart is a deep ocean of secrets" that are leading me to "take a chance and [never] look back."
-Tracey
This line from a song has been in my mind lately, "Take a chance and don't ever look back." It shows that I am taking risks and praying that they play out the way I want, or the way God deems best, in the end. :) Here's to happy hoping.
My "heart is a deep ocean of secrets" that are leading me to "take a chance and [never] look back."
-Tracey
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