The Realization: A Perpetual Broken Heart

In the past few weeks, a realization has blossomed in my mind. I want to preface this by saying that this is not intended to be a pity-party sounding post but more of a stream of consciousness on a topic close to my heart. Additionally, I must give some background information for this realization to make sense to the outside on-looker.

First of all, when I was a little girl, I used to imagine what I would be like as an adult and what my love life would be like. I used to imagine that I would have three or four boyfriends then meet "the one", fall in love and get married. Now, I completely believe I am too young to get married, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what it might be like. Furthermore, I work all day, then go to class at night and when I come home, I wish someone were there to take care of me.

Now, my realization is that I will not be getting married for a very long time. I feel like if I were more normal, and not such a workaholic, this might be different. Unlike the dreams of when I was a little girl, I have not had three or four boyfriends. I've had more like eight or nine...I'm quickly approaching double digits. Definitely not what I expected. While each relationship has been unique and has taught me different things, each has also been disappointing. Ask any of the guys I've dated, and I'm fairly certain they will tell you what they told me, the same classic lines..."you're incredible", "I can't keep up", "you deserve a man who is as driven as you"...yadda yadda ya. Sure, I believe these things, but I'm also disappointed when I hear things like this.

I digress...back to it. I believe if I did not have such a deep-rooted passion for education and education reform, I would easily find a husband. However, that is not the case. I plan to get a PhD in the next few years, then spend years doing research and finally go into politics so I really can be part of education reform. Despite these wonderful ambitions, I have yet to find a man that supports me in these endeavors. Moreover, I will graduate in 2014 and have no idea where I will end up. I also have yet to find a man that is ok with this arrangement. Unfortunately, what I have found is that we still live in a society where the woman is expected to follow the man around but when asked to reverse the roles, it is not accepted.

Therefore, this brings me back to my original statement, I will not be getting married for a very long time, if ever. I completely feel like I have to choose: achieving my goals or having a husband and children. At least I have Jack. :)

Let's just say, I'm unconventional.

Tracey