Reconnecting with one of my first loves...

When I was a little girl (around 4, I think), I discovered love. Love that could brighten my day no matter what. Love that was solid and unwavering. Love that made me believe I could do anything or be anyone I wanted. This love was reading.

Once I learned how to read, I couldn't stop. It was not uncommon for me to cry and throw a tantrum if my family would not take me to the library to get new books. I had a library card at such a young age, I couldn't even sign my own name. I would check out the maximum number of books at a time and went often. My mom put me in book clubs during the summers and ordered me books all the time. I went through phases of loving certain series, authors or genres (just as I do today). I would read everything I could get my hands on. I knew this was love.

As I grew older, this love did not change even as I became interested in sports, boys, working, etc. All the way through high school, I was an avid reader. In college, I was an English major so many of my classes forced me to read novels in addition to textbooks. I loved it. Then, when I graduated and entered the work force, something changed.

All at once, I was thrown into working more than I ever had in my life and going to school full-time at night. I had no spare time to read. I would try to read before I went to bed each night, just as I had done for years before, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to do so. My mom and friends who are also avid readers would try to talk to me about books, but I wouldn't be able to join the conversation because I hadn't read a book in months. The longest I had ever gone without enjoying what the black and white pages could offer.

It seemed strange to me that this could happen, especially since my love for reading paved the road to where I am now. I am an English teacher because of this love. (Seriously, a career where I get to read and write everyday and share that with others? Done.) It is also the soul source of my PhD studies in reading education. As I got older, I realized that (gasp!) there are people who do not like to read! And worse, many people who don't know how to read (this can't be!). So, I decided it would be my life's work to share a love for reading and writing with everyone I could, and to help those who are struggling. Hence, where I am today: a PhD student studying reading and writing education and a secondary English teacher.

Now, how could I really let this love be pushed aside by work, school, friends, family, Jack (the puppy), dating, life, etc. This had to stop. So, over Spring Break, I began reading a novel for fun again. Gosh, I enjoyed it. To get to be someone else for a short period of time. To get to go on wild adventures. To get to experience a life so unlike my own. It was mesmerizing. In the past two weeks, I have read 3 new novels and today I am starting my 4th. Do I really have time for this? Short answer, no. However, I love it too much to not do it. So, I will stay awake a few extra hours each night because I have to discover more and find out what happens next. I'll wake up just a little earlier, reach over to my bedside table and pick up where I left off the night before. It is pure joy and love, and it's worth it.

-Tracey

Recent Reads:
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Something Borrowed by Emily Griffin
Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond - The Pioneer Woman

The Best Compliment I Have Ever Received :)

Thursday, in my 7th grade Language Arts class, my students were creating plot diagrams over a novel we had just finished reading. We had previously discussed the elements of a plot diagram and had used a short story we read as practice, then I set them off on their own. As I was walking around monitoring their work, I came upon two young gentlemen who were talking more than they were working (typical for these two boys). I calmly approached them, "Boys, can you focus on your plot diagrams, please?" I asked in my sweet-natured, teaching voice. I immediately get a response.

"But, Ms. Hodges, we are talking about a book!" one of the boys replied.

"Well, I think that is wonderful but is the book the one you are supposed to be completing a plot diagram over?" I replied, already knowing the answer.

"No." was the simple answer.

Now, usually at this point, the student will look down at his/her assignment and get back to work as I walk away and continue monitoring the other students. However, that is not what took place on this particular day.

"Ms. Hodges?" the boy continued. "Have you ever seen the movie 'Freedom Writer'?" he asked.

I replied that I had seen it and really liked it. He then asked me about the book it was based on, so I told him a little bit about the book and how it chronicles the lives of some students living in extreme situations. They are able to overcome their tough lives through the inspiration of writing brought to them by their teacher. The student seemed really interested, even asking me if we could read the book in class. (I had to tell him that the language and content was a little inappropriate for school, but that we might be able to read some chapters that were less controversial.) He said he had watched the movie because of an after-school ministry program. His mentor had told him that the movie showed how people could change even when they felt hopeless. I could see in his eyes that he felt a connection to the stories of these students and saw parallels to his own life. I felt proud of him for being able to see the connections. (I know he has been trying to make changes in his life as well.)

Then, he said something that will stay with me forever. In my short stint as a teacher, this is the second most significant success I have felt. (The first being the success written about in the blog about John.)

"Ms. Hodges, you remind me of her. You are always so nice and pleasant (yes, he said pleasant) to us and you really seem to care about our lives," he calmly said to me.

All I could say was "thank you" as I thought, "Wow, comparing me to Erin Gruwell. I'm not sure I deserve that." I smiled for the rest of the day as I told myself that this was God's way of telling me that I am, in fact, in the right place and I am doing something right.

-Tracey

Living with no fear...

Lately, I have been musing on what the Lord is teaching me in my single days about how to be in a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that while I have the curse of choosing guys that are less than upstanding citizens, I am partially to blame for the failures of relationships. While I want to be "relationship girl", I'm just not. I like my independence. I like my free time. I like being unattached. I really like not having to constantly worry about the needs and wants of another person. Yes, I am the mothering kind who likes to take care of others, but not a boyfriend. This is part of my "problem" in being 23 and completely single with no potentials. However, I have realized lately a second factor that is huge in making my relationships successes or failures. Something that has yet to be part of a romantic relationship I've been part of: no fear.

I am the kind of girl who will tell you like it is. Often, I speak without thinking, or think but choose to say what I want anyway. I'm blunt. I'm honest. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Despite this, I have never been in a romantic relationship free of fear. In relationships with my family, I know I can say anything I want, do anything I want and they will still love me the same way. I can say mean, horrible things and get into fights with my mom or dad or sister, and I know our relationships will not be hindered. If anything, they will be stronger. With my best friends, it's the same thing. I can tell them anything, even if I know they won't like it, and they will still love and support me. There is nothing that can change this. However, this has never been part of a romantic relationship. I will know I've found the right guy when I can tell him absolutely anything, get mad at him or do anything and know that he will still love and care for me. Here's to hopeful searching on this front...


Now, I don't want this blog to be all about relationships...I feel as though this has been a recurring theme in my last few posts, and believe it or not, I actually have far more important and exciting things going on in my life. (Obviously, since I'm single.) :)

Earlier in the semester, with the job cuts and budget cuts to school districts, I was fearful. Fearful of whether or not my position would be cut. Fearful of whether or not I would be cut. Fearful of not being able to find a high school job, if that's what I decided I wanted. Fearful of not getting scholarships or loans to help pay for the doctorate. Fearful of everything.

Geez, I'm so silly! Notice what pronoun prevails in the statements above? "I". How selfish! While I am absorbed in my own selfish fears, God delivered. Last week, I had conversations with several professors about potential opportunities for grants, work study, loans, etc. to pay for school. Last night, I had a conversation with a gentleman about a potential job opportunity at a junior college in the summer. I've had many conversations with people about the prospects of my current job staying in tact and potential high school/coaching positions. God delivered and completely subdued my fears, even when I was so undeserving. All at once, I am again (as I always am) aware of the fact that I can do nothing without Him, and if I will just trust, He will take care of everything. (This includes my "men" problems.)

"For if my God is with me, whom than shall I fear? Whom than shall I fear? Oh, no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh, no, You never let go. In every high and every low. Oh, no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me."

-Tracey