Lately, I have been musing on what the Lord is teaching me in my single days about how to be in a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that while I have the curse of choosing guys that are less than upstanding citizens, I am partially to blame for the failures of relationships. While I want to be "relationship girl", I'm just not. I like my independence. I like my free time. I like being unattached. I really like not having to constantly worry about the needs and wants of another person. Yes, I am the mothering kind who likes to take care of others, but not a boyfriend. This is part of my "problem" in being 23 and completely single with no potentials. However, I have realized lately a second factor that is huge in making my relationships successes or failures. Something that has yet to be part of a romantic relationship I've been part of: no fear.
I am the kind of girl who will tell you like it is. Often, I speak without thinking, or think but choose to say what I want anyway. I'm blunt. I'm honest. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Despite this, I have never been in a romantic relationship free of fear. In relationships with my family, I know I can say anything I want, do anything I want and they will still love me the same way. I can say mean, horrible things and get into fights with my mom or dad or sister, and I know our relationships will not be hindered. If anything, they will be stronger. With my best friends, it's the same thing. I can tell them anything, even if I know they won't like it, and they will still love and support me. There is nothing that can change this. However, this has never been part of a romantic relationship. I will know I've found the right guy when I can tell him absolutely anything, get mad at him or do anything and know that he will still love and care for me. Here's to hopeful searching on this front...
Now, I don't want this blog to be all about relationships...I feel as though this has been a recurring theme in my last few posts, and believe it or not, I actually have far more important and exciting things going on in my life. (Obviously, since I'm single.) :)
Earlier in the semester, with the job cuts and budget cuts to school districts, I was fearful. Fearful of whether or not my position would be cut. Fearful of whether or not I would be cut. Fearful of not being able to find a high school job, if that's what I decided I wanted. Fearful of not getting scholarships or loans to help pay for the doctorate. Fearful of everything.
Geez, I'm so silly! Notice what pronoun prevails in the statements above? "I". How selfish! While I am absorbed in my own selfish fears, God delivered. Last week, I had conversations with several professors about potential opportunities for grants, work study, loans, etc. to pay for school. Last night, I had a conversation with a gentleman about a potential job opportunity at a junior college in the summer. I've had many conversations with people about the prospects of my current job staying in tact and potential high school/coaching positions. God delivered and completely subdued my fears, even when I was so undeserving. All at once, I am again (as I always am) aware of the fact that I can do nothing without Him, and if I will just trust, He will take care of everything. (This includes my "men" problems.)
"For if my God is with me, whom than shall I fear? Whom than shall I fear? Oh, no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh, no, You never let go. In every high and every low. Oh, no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me."
-Tracey
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