Summer...I have been dreaming about you for many months. I have longed for summer to be here. Now, this is ironic, especially when you take into account that I don't particularly like summer at all. Sure, it's nice, but it's hot! (and that is one thing I dislike more than most things). I have been dreaming of summer so that the most challenging year of my life, my first year teaching, would be over. Fast. Well, as always, when I am in doubt, losing hope and feeling despair, my knight-in-shining-armor-God sweeps in and saves me. Just at the right moment.
I have never felt so defeated. I have never cried more in my life. I have never gone through such big ups and downs. And, at the very end of the day (the end of the school-year), I have not felt so much joy, pride and love...as I have felt in my first year of teaching.
Anyone who has even spoken to me since August knows that this year has been an uphill battle. Many nights of lost sleep, more hours than I would have liked stressing, lots of tears, etc, etc...I thought I had failed my kids. I thought I was a sub-par teacher. I thought over and over "I'm not sure I can do this". Being the driven, strong-willed person I am, I couldn't believe my dream of being a teacher was something I wasn't cut out to do. The only thing I felt I could do to survive was to pray for God to give me strength and wisdom.
Well, He did better. On Monday, He gave us the dreaded TAKS scores...Let's just say, I was terrified to look at my kids' results. I didn't want to see them. I considered hiding so no one could find me or making myself so busy, I wouldn't have time to deal with it. Instead, I sucked it up, braced myself for the worst and looked at the scores anyway. Then, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, I was overjoyed. Then, I was shocked. I told my kids the GOOD news. They had done it. They had succeeded. Turns out, I hadn't failed them at all...I had actually helped them succeed and through the "blood, sweat and tears" done something right. I was so excited to tell them how well they had done on their Writing and Reading TAKS. They were equally excited. Students I didn't get to see came up to me after school and gave me high fives and hugs. They just wanted me to know how well they did. (I tried to act surprised, like I didn't already know their good news.) Finally, when I got home that night, I cried again, but this time with tears of joy instead of despair. :)
As the year is coming to a close, I am realizing how much my little thug, gansta, gang-bangers mean to me. They have become a very important part of my life. While they make me madder than I can describe, they have surprised me beyond measure with what they are capable of achieving. If I could adopt every one of them and take them home with me, I just might. :)
So, thank you, God for my blunt slap back to reality and back to the realization that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. You were right all along and as always, I was not. Finally, I can see the plans you had for me...plans to prosper me and my kids. Jeremiah 29:11
-Tracey
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