I'm not sure why but I woke this morning with a fright....something was wrong. I could feel it. I was nervous and looked anxiously around me. I grabbed Jack, petting his head and looked around a bit dazed. "What time is it? There's light flooding through my window," I thought. I reached for my phone and instantly saw all the green...3 missed calls, 4 texts...11 o'clock! "What?!? I'm late! No...it's Sunday. I'm fine." I checked the calls and texts, nothing out of the ordinary. "Why do I feel this way?"
To clear my head, I decided to go for a walk. I've been talking quite a few walks lately (thanks to the inspiration of a dear friend). I have to get in better shape for two weddings in six months...I've got work to do but I hate working out. Walking is tolerable and really gives me a chance to clear my head. I don't take my phone or music...just me and the great outdoors. When I was younger, I used to take long walks around my family's property nearly every day and loved it. I miss that about the country. It's hard to find good places to walk that really put me at ease here in town.
Anyway, while I'm walking, my mind goes into overdrive. It's the only time I do just one thing...no distractions, no multitasking, just me. My thoughts are scatterbrained and all over the place.
I wonder if Jack is barking.
iPads...
how would I write this IRB proposal for a study on attendance? Oh, I need to review those articles first...write a lit review. I'll do that this week after work.
coffee
wonder if I can find that cute bag I've been wanting.
I need to book a flight to Arizona. I need to talk to Kendall about 4-corners. Pack for the family vacation. I wonder if we can visit the University of Colorado....what if my PhD program goes under like Kendall's did. I really want to move. But, I want to finish first. Gah, I need to talk to Dr. M.
I need to read that book Rhonda recommended to me. This syllabus isn't going to write itself. I have time...it's only May!
Top 10% banquet and 8th grade day are coming up. Ugh, I hate that I didn't enter all those grades on Friday...my desk is a mess. At least my copies are made. I need to finish reading The Outsiders. The kids are catching up to me. I have that meeting with Rhonda on Monday...wonder what we'll talk about. I need to think through this before tomorrow morning.
Is it really Sunday? I need to buy groceries. Did I pay my bills? Yes, I think. I hope. Ugh...
I should go back to Muldoon's today. I need to finish reading some articles and matrix the ones I already read. Chyllis is awesome to send me that template. She has it together...I want to be more like her. I'm too scatterbrained.
Wonder how lunch went for Grandma, Melody and Dad? I'll call them all later. I need to go Mother's Day shopping. Can I go to the Rock next Sunday? I'll check the calendar. Need to go to Lowe's and get dad that tool he wanted. Wonder if I have the money? I'll make it work.
Robyn called this morning. Phone tag. We need to talk...wedding stuff. She has good insights into my scatterbrainedness...she'll tell me what to do. I hope she picks grey dresses...or purple. I like both. I hope this walking makes my butt get smaller...and my arms. I should do some pushups too. Or play tennis. I need to go to San Antonio soon. I wonder when I can go in the summer.
I'm thirsty....I'm hungry. How far have I walked? How long has it been? Should I head back home?
40 minutes later, I arrived back home. Jack was barking. I got some water and cereal and made my to-do list for the day, then consulted my calendar and penciled in a few tasks that have to be done this week. I know I joke all the time that I'm a procrastinator, and I am, but I'm a planner, too. It's really a gift to be able to do both successfully.
Anyway, as I was walking and thinking (you saw a small glimpse of how my brain works), I realized that for one of the first times in my life...I'm scared. I'm taking a huge risk by returning to school full time. My bestie's PhD program fell out from under her and I worry every day that mine will do the same. What happens if it falters before I graduate? Where will all that work go? This really has been eating away at my conscious this weekend. I'm going to have to do something to put my mind at ease.
I'm also beyond happy that my two best friends are getting married, but at the same time, I'm a bit freaked out. Why? I don't have a clue. I'm all for marriage and my parents have been blissfully, happily married for 35 years...I just have a fear of it. Maybe that's because I've never been close to marriage or because mass media portrays it in such a negative light...I don't know. I need to get over this.
Finally, as I've mentioned before, I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I'm staying stagnant. Now, I know this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm doing a lot with my life and loving every bit of it. But, 6 years after graduating high school, I'm in the same town, still in school, still trying to work to make ends meet, still single, still dreaming of moving away. Granted, a PhD is a pretty good tether...but...I can't help feeling the way I do.
The long and short of this post is that today I realized I have a lot of anxiety buzzing around me. This is not something new or different, but is how things have been for a very long time. I just don't know how to ease my mind. Maybe completing my daily checklist will help....
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