I feel like my life has finally made it full circle and the ambitious, young, doe-eyed girl is finally calming down into a successful, content, satisfied woman. What do I mean?
Once upon a time, there was a young girl who dreamed of ruling the world. It may sound comical, but she was that girl who wanted to be CEO of a major company. She literally wanted to rule the world. Now, in her perfect world, she had everything she wanted. She was running a major company in a huge city (Houston, Dallas, New York City, you know), but lived on a ranch, with several acres, in her dream home. Her daily routine would consist of waking up the kids, making breakfast for them and her extremely sexy cowboy husband, then going out to feed and tend to all the animals. The family would then leave for work and school. She would take the kiddos to school and make her way to a high power job dressed to the nines (with super sweet heels, of course). At the end of the work day, she would pick up the kids and take them home. At home, the family would again tend to all the animals and do the ranch-chores, eat dinner, spend time together and enjoy quiet, country nights together. Nice, huh?
Somewhere along the way of boyfriends, expectations, and ambition, this little girl lost her way. She came to college and became somewhat confused about what she wanted. Her boyfriend at the time thought her ideas of ranch life were crazy and encouraged her to do more. She met people that inspired her to want more out of life than a quiet existence in the country, but deep down, knew it was what she wanted. While at college, she realized that running a major company was definitely in her blood but not her heart; instead, she had a deep-rooted passion for education. She became damn-near obsessed with chasing this dream. Go to college, graduate, teach, get PhD, move, live in big city. Check, check, check.
Now, this little girl did nothing short of live up to every expectation. She graduated, she got a job teaching, she bought a house, she lived her life by giving every spare bit of energy she had to accomplishing those big city dreams. However, she wasn't completely happy with the sacrifices she had made and who she had become. She still had a deep-rooted longing for more and less. Accomplishing and settling. Busy and simple.
Over the course of last year, I found myself LONGING to go to my parent's house, the place I had avoided for years (because I was a grown up and that's what grown ups do, right?). I found solace and comfort in the country. Peace and quiet filled my soul and made me feel whole again. But the desire to be near tall buildings, museums, culture, busy-ness is still part of me.
After an extremely confusing summer full of self-revelation, I have found some answers and came full circle to a better place. I cannot say that I am the same little girl who went away to college with big ambitions. Instead, I am an accomplished woman with simple desires. Yes, I want more than anything to finish my PhD. It is one of the most important things in my life. However, I DO want a simpler, quieter life than the one I have been living. I want to meet a fantastic man with a good heart who wants to live on a plot of land outside of a big city. I want him to be a hard-working family man. Someday, I want to build that dream house I have imagined my entire life. I want that dream house to be FULL of children. I want to work at a university in a big city. I want to come home to the country each night.
All in all, I want my small town, country upbringing WITH my big city dreams. It feels incredible to find clarity in what I want and to finally, for the first time in five years, know exactly what I want out of my life and where I want to go. So, all that's really left to say is, BRING IT ON!
-Tracey
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