Exhaustion

This week, I was feeling really run down and got bed-rested with what I thought was an everyday stomach virus. While I do believe this was a true illness, I have learned that the real cause of my lack of energy and days down was not a stomach virus but exhaustion. Over the past few years, I have realized that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Yes, it is ok to want more out of life and to continue growing yourself, but for some reason, I think that ALLLLLL has to happen right now. As a result, I am pushing myself to my limits without knowing it, until something like this week happens and I am crushed for a few days. After sleeping for two days and feeling off for four days, I am back to hitting the ground running. It is the weekend, but I don't plan to take it easy, as I probably should.

As usual, I'm trying to be optimistic so I am finding something good in this hectic week. Lately, I've been trying to make a very big decision and while, in my mind, this decision is made, I cannot execute it. That really stumps me because I have no reason to hesitate and I know I am making the right choice. Well, yesterday, I feel like God spoke to me through three individuals, who brought up the same random topic of conversation with me. I always see events like this as His way of speaking to me and making me listen. After thinking about these conversations and reflecting on my life right now and what I want in the future, I have reached a conclusion.

At work today, one of my colleagues commented on a lesson I put together at 10:30 the night before. I have this terrible procrastination complex and work best under pressure and push time limits to their edge without tipping over. So, I planned a kick-ass lesson at 10:30 the night before, walked in and taught it the next morning. I work BEST this way...which is not ideal for the conditions I work in. Anywho, she looked at me puzzled and asked me why I can't plan things ahead of time. I told her that I have so much to do all the time, that that is how things work for me. I'm not sitting around doing nothing, but I am always working...I just have to take things by priority at the time. This conversation got me thinking about why I'm doing so much...

Secondly, at lunch yesterday a colleague pulled me aside to verify a rumor she had heard about me. I neither acknowledged or denied the rumor, but merely said I wouldn't comment on it. She implied that she considered this rumor a negative thing and wanted to not procreate more negativity so she was setting the record straight. I was a bit stunned by this comment as I didn't see the rumor as a negative thing. This got me thinking about my perception of life and how it is being shown to others...

Finally, yesterday, I had dinner with my mom. Since we are so close, she had no qualms about asking me or telling me that she thought something was wrong with me. (Thanks, Mom). She questioned me about where my desire to constantly achieve more and never be satisfied came from. Was it a product of my raising? Was it due to some trauma I endured? What was it? I didn't have an answer. This got me thinking, would less really be more for me?

See what I mean? God got me thinking about three very important ideas that are tied together and tied to my decision. As if that weren't over-kill enough on the topic, He revealed to me my answers in one more way.

Wednesday night, one of my former roommates called me to chat about life and friends. She had mentioned a book to me, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which she thought I should read. Well, I began reading it last night during the storms raging outside (and ironically, in my mind). The first part of the book is all about perceptions and how they shape our behaviors and ideals. In my mind, working yourself hard and helping as many people as possible signifies success. But, it's actually doing the opposite in my life. Yes, I am helping lots of people and doing a bunch of great things, but I'm losing me in the process. This got me thinking about what perceptions I should really be focused on in my own life...

Ok, God, got the message! It's funny that He should know me so well. I love a good mystery, hate being told what to do and have to do everything wrong before I do anything right. He gave me four puzzle pieces to fit together and decide what to do (although He showed me what is best). Finally, He let me do everything wrong for years to realize what I need to do that's best for me, and for all the people I will help in the future.

Thanks, God for the wake-up call! Thanks to my colleagues for asking me tough questions. Thanks, Mom, for supporting me and not being afraid to challenge me (and no, this isn't your fault). Thanks, former roommate, for sharing the book that helped give me "perspective".

I have to admit that now with clarity, I am scared. I'm afraid to do what I want and do what is best (which for the first time, I believe are the same). It's tough, but I know God will pull me through. (And if on the off-chance I'm doing exactly what He doesn't want me to do, He'll pull me through that as well.)

Here goes everything...

-Tracey