I'm feeling really run-down today and under the weather, so while I am recuperating in bed, I figured I would sort through some thoughts buzzing around my head.
First of all, I have been under an inexplicable amount of stress lately that even I couldn't figure out...until today. When I woke up, I had received a random email talking about unconventional symptoms of stress. Among the list was: hair loss, weakened immune system, sweating and memory loss. All of which have been suffered recently by yours truly. Now, I say that this stress is "inexplicable", but today I was reminded of why I'm so stressed (funny how I always seem to need reminding of when my plate is too full). So, the second thing that happened when I woke up today was I had an email from my grad school mentor. She was offering me a great tutoring opportunity (for pay) but indicated that she assumed I was too busy. She knows me well-enough to preface with this or I would have said yes. As I was typing my reply to her and telling her about the on-goings of life, I mentioned what all I was doing and realized why I'm stressed:
1. Teaching 8th graders (and working massive hours per day/nights/weekends)
2. 6 hours of PhD coursework (easy-peasy)
3. Tutoring/Editing for 4 clients this semester
4. Trying to organize and conduct my first study
5. Bootcamp workouts 3-4 times per week
6. Social life
7. Family and Jack
Ok, so is really any surprise I'm stressed? No. Will it change? No. Glad that's cleared up.
The second thing that has been on my mind lately is relationship dynamics. I mean all kinds of relationships: relationships between friends, relationships between mentors, romantic relationships, relationships between colleagues, etc. In the past year, I have put my career goals aside (slightly) and have begun focusing more on the people around me. My relationships have blossomed in so many ways and I am pleased by the outcomes, but I still have so many questions about some of these dynamics that I don't understand. Primarily, this year I have already learned some valuable lessons.
1. Reliance. I wouldn't have survived the past 2 years of my life (juggling work and school) without my best friends. I am so fortunate to get to spend my morning drive to work at 6:30 each morning with a call from my best friend. What a great way to start the day, no matter what we talk about. Then, I get to have at least 2 girls' nights a week with my other best friends. These relationships let me know that no matter what happens throughout the day, no matter how beaten down or defeated I may feel, I have wonderful women to share the joys and trials with. Beyond that, I know I have people who I can count on for anything. Yesterday, when I got home feeling sick, 4 friends offered to bring me drugs, soup and whatever I needed. I also have friends I can rely on to help take care of my puppy for me on my 14-hour days when I don't get to come home. That's the true meaning of love and having people you can rely on.
2. Respect. As a teacher, the most valuable lesson I have learned is respect. You must show respect to earn respect. You must earn respect through actions and words to keep it. You can easily lose it, even with one mistake. In all of my difficult decisions I've already had to make this year, respect has been the primary deciding factor. I have learned that as part of my personality, respect is vital for me. I must feel respected by the people around me in order to maintain relationships with those people OR return the respect. I'm thankful to know so many people who I do respect.
3. Games. (If you think this about you, you're probably right, and I'm ok with that.) I love games: video games, sports games, board games, online games). However, I do not love romantic games. I know I've written about romantic relationships quite often, especially recently, as my good friends are pairing up in lasting relationships and I am not. I admitted a lot of things about myself in relationships and once again, recently, was reminded of the one thing I hate most: games. I still maintain that "back-in-the-day" (whether that be high school, or even before) dating was easier and a lot less complicated. Today, people want to play games. They want someone in their "corner" as a safety net at all times. Just in case it doesn't work out with the current person, there is someone to fall back on. I know I've been this person for someone for a long time. I know friends of mine who have been this person for someone for a long time. I'm making the wake-up call for myself and for those friends of mine and anyone else who reads this and feels the same way: don't be the safety net. As one of my favorite movies, The Holiday, says "You deserve to be the leading lady of your own life". That's the philosophy I am now going to approach dating with...I'm the leading lady or no lady. :) I like it.
4. Positivity. This has altered a lot of my relationships with people this year, in numerous ways. Just by being positive about something I see as bad has made it more bearable. For example, I have been (mostly) positive about bootcamp. I'll be honest, I hate it while I'm doing. It's ok to not like working out. However, I love how I feel afterwards...and the 6lbs I've lost in 3 weeks ain't bad either! So, being positive while I'm doing and after has made it more bearable and had some great repercussions for me!
5. Find the Silver Lining. Last year, when things got really rough for me, I made a goal to find the silver lining in each day. Something special or worthwhile that happened to brighten my day. I think I'm going to bring that back. Coming soon...
My last pondering deals with myself. Last week, I had my students journal about "How others see them?" to see if they see themselves clearly. This made me consider whether or not I see myself clearly. I see myself as young, successful, judgmental, opinionated and hard-working. I doubt anyone would argue with that. However, I often feel like I am drowning or floundering rather than succeeding. That brings me to my final thought...two ways in which I was described within the past month...
1. "I remember meeting you. The famous Tracey Hodges!" - from a sweet grad school friend about meeting me last year
2. "This is my friend Tracey. She is like a teacher, PhD aficionado. She's 24 and has her shit together!" - an outspoken, like-minded grad school friend introducing me to some of her friends at her wedding reception
I'm definitely ok with being the "24-year-old with her shit together" and I would whole-heartedly agree (even on my toughest days) with that description.
-Tracey
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