Ponderings...

WARNING: There may will be cursing ahead.

I'm feeling really run-down today and under the weather, so while I am recuperating in bed, I figured I would sort through some thoughts buzzing around my head.

First of all, I have been under an inexplicable amount of stress lately that even I couldn't figure out...until today. When I woke up, I had received a random email talking about unconventional symptoms of stress. Among the list was: hair loss, weakened immune system, sweating and memory loss. All of which have been suffered recently by yours truly. Now, I say that this stress is "inexplicable", but today I was reminded of why I'm so stressed (funny how I always seem to need reminding of when my plate is too full). So, the second thing that happened when I woke up today was I had an email from my grad school mentor. She was offering me a great tutoring opportunity (for pay) but indicated that she assumed I was too busy. She knows me well-enough to preface with this or I would have said yes. As I was typing my reply to her and telling her about the on-goings of life, I mentioned what all I was doing and realized why I'm stressed:
1. Teaching 8th graders (and working massive hours per day/nights/weekends)
2. 6 hours of PhD coursework (easy-peasy)
3. Tutoring/Editing for 4 clients this semester
4. Trying to organize and conduct my first study
5. Bootcamp workouts 3-4 times per week
6. Social life
7. Family and Jack

Ok, so is really any surprise I'm stressed? No. Will it change? No. Glad that's cleared up.

The second thing that has been on my mind lately is relationship dynamics. I mean all kinds of relationships: relationships between friends, relationships between mentors, romantic relationships, relationships between colleagues, etc. In the past year, I have put my career goals aside (slightly) and have begun focusing more on the people around me. My relationships have blossomed in so many ways and I am pleased by the outcomes, but I still have so many questions about some of these dynamics that I don't understand. Primarily, this year I have already learned some valuable lessons.

1. Reliance. I wouldn't have survived the past 2 years of my life (juggling work and school) without my best friends. I am so fortunate to get to spend my morning drive to work at 6:30 each morning with a call from my best friend. What a great way to start the day, no matter what we talk about. Then, I get to have at least 2 girls' nights a week with my other best friends. These relationships let me know that no matter what happens throughout the day, no matter how beaten down or defeated I may feel, I have wonderful women to share the joys and trials with. Beyond that, I know I have people who I can count on for anything. Yesterday, when I got home feeling sick, 4 friends offered to bring me drugs, soup and whatever I needed. I also have friends I can rely on to help take care of my puppy for me on my 14-hour days when I don't get to come home. That's the true meaning of love and having people you can rely on.

2. Respect. As a teacher, the most valuable lesson I have learned is respect. You must show respect to earn respect. You must earn respect through actions and words to keep it. You can easily lose it, even with one mistake. In all of my difficult decisions I've already had to make this year, respect has been the primary deciding factor. I have learned that as part of my personality, respect is vital for me. I must feel respected by the people around me in order to maintain relationships with those people OR return the respect. I'm thankful to know so many people who I do respect.

3. Games. (If you think this about you, you're probably right, and I'm ok with that.) I love games: video games, sports games, board games, online games). However, I do not love romantic games. I know I've written about romantic relationships quite often, especially recently, as my good friends are pairing up in lasting relationships and I am not. I admitted a lot of things about myself in relationships and once again, recently, was reminded of the one thing I hate most: games. I still maintain that "back-in-the-day" (whether that be high school, or even before) dating was easier and a lot less complicated. Today, people want to play games. They want someone in their "corner" as a safety net at all times. Just in case it doesn't work out with the current person, there is someone to fall back on. I know I've been this person for someone for a long time. I know friends of mine who have been this person for someone for a long time. I'm making the wake-up call for myself and for those friends of mine and anyone else who reads this and feels the same way: don't be the safety net. As one of my favorite movies, The Holiday, says "You deserve to be the leading lady of your own life". That's the philosophy I am now going to approach dating with...I'm the leading lady or no lady. :) I like it.

4. Positivity. This has altered a lot of my relationships with people this year, in numerous ways. Just by being positive about something I see as bad has made it more bearable. For example, I have been (mostly) positive about bootcamp. I'll be honest, I hate it while I'm doing. It's ok to not like working out. However, I love how I feel afterwards...and the 6lbs I've lost in 3 weeks ain't bad either! So, being positive while I'm doing and after has made it more bearable and had some great repercussions for me!

5. Find the Silver Lining. Last year, when things got really rough for me, I made a goal to find the silver lining in each day. Something special or worthwhile that happened to brighten my day. I think I'm going to bring that back. Coming soon...

My last pondering deals with myself. Last week, I had my students journal about "How others see them?" to see if they see themselves clearly. This made me consider whether or not I see myself clearly. I see myself as young, successful, judgmental, opinionated and hard-working. I doubt anyone would argue with that. However, I often feel like I am drowning or floundering rather than succeeding. That brings me to my final thought...two ways in which I was described within the past month...

1. "I remember meeting you. The famous Tracey Hodges!" - from a sweet grad school friend about meeting me last year

2. "This is my friend Tracey. She is like a teacher, PhD aficionado. She's 24 and has her shit together!" - an outspoken, like-minded grad school friend introducing me to some of her friends at her wedding reception

I'm definitely ok with being the "24-year-old with her shit together" and I would whole-heartedly agree (even on my toughest days) with that description.

-Tracey

The Tipping Point...

Stress has moved into my life like a tornado (appropriate connection after today's weather fiasco). I have never felt stress like this before and I am finding it hard to manage. How stressed am I?

1. I am convinced today is Friday and have a desire to stay up late (even though I KNOW it is Wednesday and I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning).
2. I cannot remember whether I have washed my hair in the morning, so I wash my hair more than once.
3. I keep dropping things and walking into things (like doors and chairs) because I can't focus.

Now, while I do feel very stressed, I have found a few pretty wonderful escapes. (Although the stress is threatening to encroach on those escapes.)

1. Grad School (always)
2. My new workouts (I've lost 5 lbs!)
3. Talking with my friends about healthy food and working out.

I think I am experiencing an extra euphoric-ness (that has to be a word) after these stress-relieving activities due to the extreme nature of the stress. I think I must be going a little crazy, but hey, that's life. All I can do is keep trucking, pray for patience and hope the storm passes quickly.

-Tracey

Your Yellow Rose of Texas Remembers

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.

I remember standing on that stage in my yellow dress that you told me made me look like your “Yellow Rose of Texas”.
The look in your eyes said you were impressed with the young lady who twirled in your living room, curls bouncing, an innocent smile upon her face.

I remember that one summer vacation when we fished nearly everyday.
The dock has remained absent for these years as it doesn’t hold the same jubilant spirit that died with you.
All the memories lay dormant in my mind, the fishing, the laughing, the life lessons…
The arguing, the yelling, the chastising, and seeing myself in your reflection.

I remember the day you came charging the house on the golf cart, yelling for me to come,
I jumped on and we raced to the pond where your fishing pole hung on the dock.
You shouted orders for me to hold the pole out of the water while you shot and I didn’t understand,
But when I pulled the pole out, I saw the snake eating the fish and watched you shoot,
I still don’t know why I remember that memory, but it’s one of the clearest.

I remember you teaching me the little bit of Spanish I still recall today.
I think you’d be proud of my teaching,
And to know that what you taught me held meaning.
You were strong and impatient and the reason we were so close is that I am from the same mold.
The strength and tough exterior layer is what has gotten me through these past 6 years and especially the past 2.

I remember watching the Winter Olympics that year and arguing over the winners.
I loved figure skating and you took an interest to it…
You watched every bit of the competition just to be able to fight with me.
I loved that, even if we drove Grandma crazy with our constant bickering.
I am sad that we never came to a resolution.

I remember nursing your hand when you burned yourself or cut yourself fixing dinner when Grandma was in the nursing home.
We drove to see her almost every day,
And I helped you run your errands like buying fish food and turnips.
You were the person who taught me how to write a check because you refused to use a card.

I remember holding your hand and crying with you when Gidget the cat died of cancer,
It was one of the first times I had seen a grown man cry.
That taught me it is ok to cry sometimes, even if you are tough.
Tears are love pouring from within,
One of the few tangible reminders that love without pain isn’t deep enough.

I remember talking about what I would be when I grew up and sitting in your lap.
You were so proud that I would soon be graduating high school.
We talked about A&M and I showed you the acceptance letter.
You said you would give me a red rose for graduation like you did to wish me good luck in the pageant…
I know you sent me one from Heaven, where I hope you now reside.

I remember the best Christmas ever and the one that still fills my brain and heart with joy reminding me that they can be connected.
Going to the hospital and seeing you lay there so helpless but full of spirit,
Teasing me that I should be wearing the heart monitor because my heart was jumping for the ignorant boy I brought with me to see you,
Laughing a laugh I had never heard.

I remember that Christmas seeing you laugh and smile and home surrounded by family.
I had never seen you or everyone else so happy and I was blissfully happy at the news the doctor gave that we would have you for many more years…
That Christmas stays with me full of joy and love and zero pain.

I remember so many things about you but most of all, I remember my one regret.
The doctor’s words and promises of “years” echoed in my mind as I became absorbed in my own life…
Obsessing with my first love, rebelling against the rules I had tirelessly followed,
Rushing through my last few months of high school as if life would run out,
Forgetting to come visit you like I had done every day for 6 years.

I remember that I had not seen you in 2 weeks, despite the fact that you lived less than a football field away.

I remember waking early that Sunday morning to the phone ringing and hearing dad’s words utter my worst fear.

I remember pulling the covers over my ears and pretending I didn’t hear because then it wouldn’t be true.

I remember hearing the sirens rush by outside and knowing where they were going and what they would find.

I remember my phone buzzing by my ear, sounding like the scratching of nails on a chalkboard and stabbing me from the inside out.

I remember sprinting as fast as I could next door and being scared to death to walk inside.

I remember smelling death as I walked inside and seeing the red outlines of eyes in the pained faces of everyone.

I remember kneeling down beside you and touching your hand, which was laying over your chest.

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.
Your Yellow Rose of Texas remembers and misses you still.

Perspective...

Life is all about perspective. This year, I did not make any New Year's Resolutions (I feel a little old for this), but instead made two goals that I am going to actively work on throughout the year: 1. Be healthier (both in eating and exercising) and 2. Be more optimistic. Now, I am not really a pessimistic person but through my job of the last two years, I have changed so much as a person and become more pessimistic than I have ever been. I am not nearly as naive as I was once and my views on education have changed drastically since taking this job. I'm actually a bit sad that has happened, but as everything happens for a reason, I will see the true effects within the next few years. I am curious to see how my new views will affect my grad school studies and research in the future.

Now, onto perspective...life changes perspective based on what we are doing at that particular time. I have always been a go-getter, busy type of person. Lately, I have been talking to all the student teachers at my school and it is really quite amusing to hear them talk about "getting up early" and "being so tired". When I started student teaching, I'll admit, I was tired too but I was actually working and moving LESS not more. Despite working less hours, I was more tired. I've been thinking about this a great deal lately because I feel like I live in a constant state of exhaustion. Again, I'm confused because in undergrad, I would wake up at 6 every morning and be gone from my house until 9 or 10 that night...and didn't think anything of it. Now, I wake up at 5 and am usually home around 8 or 9 and am so tired I can barely function to get to bed.

As I've been thinking on this topic, I have found the answer. When I was an undergraduate student, I would wake up early, get ready, go to classes, have lunch, go to job #1, volunteer, go to class, go to job #2, go to meetings, tutor, come home. Now, I wake up early, get ready, go to work, go to class/or workout, come home. I need to constantly be moving, experiencing change and loving everything I am doing. Right now, I am stuck in a box all day...sometimes, I miss the sun (he wakes up after me and goes to bed before me). So, it is easy to see how this can be exhausting.

Ok, it sounds like I've been complaining but I'm trying not to. I love my life and everything in it. However, I have mentioned before that ambition is my most redeeming yet devastating characteristic. So, it's all about perspective. What is most important? What do I want to spend my time doing most? For some reason, this has become the most simple but complicated question I've ever had to answer. The answer is staring me in the face, completely easy to answer. However, the execution of that answer has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while.

As I begin yet another absolutely crazy semester (working 60+ hours, taking 2 grad school courses, fitting in workouts, spending time with family and friends, researching, trying to have a social life, etc.), I feel my head clear. I'm realizing that I can still be ambitious without "doing it all". If I focus on what is most important to me and give it my all, I am still being ambitious without over-exerting myself. Hell, I may even smile a bit more, be more pleasant and turn back into the person that I really liked being. I almost feel like I've been stuck in my "Quarter-life crisis" for the past few years. I can honestly say the past two years have not been the best, but they will stay with me for a long time because they are driving where I will be in the future.

Here's to a crazy semester and finishing one chapter of my life with a BANG! :)

-Tracey

Answers to prayers...

Ambition. This is by far my most redeeming quality. It is also my greatest character flaw. Many times I find that my "go-get-em" mentality or need for continual growth impede on my life. In fact, I really feel for my family and close friends as even they don't know what to do with me all the time. I often hear, "well, you just have to decide what you want to do most".

In the past few months, I have really struggled to make some decisions about what endeavors in my life to pursue and what to push aside. I have spoken about it with my best friends, my parents, professors, past teachers...many people. Today, I had a spontaneous conversation on this very topic with a colleague...and I have to say it was...refreshing. I feel like she actually said things in a way that made the most sense and was phrased better than I've heard. She simply said..."why do you want the things you want? What is the purpose for your ambition?" When I think about things in that way, I realize that there are some things I feel genuinely passionate about and then there are some things I do just to "pad the resume".

1. PhD (this is a genuine passion...the most genuine passion I have)
2. Teaching (this is also a genuine passion...I love my students, planning and sharing my knowledge of the English language)
3. English graduate courses online (this is another genuine love...while it does not compare to my students or my PhD, it is something I enjoy and do for the love of learning more about my deepest passion)
4. Leadership opportunities at work (yet another thing that I truly love. I have a need to be a leader in my work environment - I want to be able to influence changes and help the school grow and I really want to work with teachers on a deeper level)
5. Everything else really falls below the spectrum of my passions...including coaching, sorry!

The other thing this colleague mentioned to me was that I couldn't let my ambition get in the way of people. Luckily, I have been better about this over the years. I have very supportive, secure and loving relationships with my family and friends. They are my support system and the crux of what keeps me going. Without them, my ambition would fall apart. And, of course, I still have the sweetest puppy in the world to come home to each night! :)

It is so comforting to know God is still watching out and helping me...even when I don't realize He is!

-Tracey

Musings of a...bridesmaid! :)

Well, 2012 has started off wonderfully, despite being only 3 days old! :) This is sure to be a year of change and firsts and I cannot wait to experience it all. While I have decided not to set any "New Years Resolutions" for this year, I do have some goals (as always) that I hope to accomplish this year.

1. Maintain the 4.0 and attend/present at (at least) one conference.
2. Complete a 5K and at least one longer race.
3. Go to Vegas.
4. Travel more, in general.
5. Get in shape (seriously!)
6. Maintain optimism in everything I do. (I'm blessed and God has a plan for me to do good no matter where I am...I need to stay focused on that.)
7. Continue enjoying every moment of the greatness around me!

So far, I have seen how just being more optimistic can influence and improve the quality of my life. :)

I mentioned this would be a year of firsts for me...beginning with my first time to become a bridesmaid! Yes, I've had friends get married but never a very close friend. I'm so excited to be part of this experience (and I'm already on the bridesmaid-shoe browsing). Secondly, this year will mark my first time to run longer races than a 5K (and my first 5K in a while). I'm not sure if I'll make a half this year, but I'm going to try for a multi-miler. This will also be a new year of visiting new places. I am definitely visiting Colorado for the first time and I hope to make Vegas at some point as well. I'm young, I'm free and I'm feeling a thirst for more adventure! :)

-Tracey