Your Yellow Rose of Texas Remembers

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.

I remember standing on that stage in my yellow dress that you told me made me look like your “Yellow Rose of Texas”.
The look in your eyes said you were impressed with the young lady who twirled in your living room, curls bouncing, an innocent smile upon her face.

I remember that one summer vacation when we fished nearly everyday.
The dock has remained absent for these years as it doesn’t hold the same jubilant spirit that died with you.
All the memories lay dormant in my mind, the fishing, the laughing, the life lessons…
The arguing, the yelling, the chastising, and seeing myself in your reflection.

I remember the day you came charging the house on the golf cart, yelling for me to come,
I jumped on and we raced to the pond where your fishing pole hung on the dock.
You shouted orders for me to hold the pole out of the water while you shot and I didn’t understand,
But when I pulled the pole out, I saw the snake eating the fish and watched you shoot,
I still don’t know why I remember that memory, but it’s one of the clearest.

I remember you teaching me the little bit of Spanish I still recall today.
I think you’d be proud of my teaching,
And to know that what you taught me held meaning.
You were strong and impatient and the reason we were so close is that I am from the same mold.
The strength and tough exterior layer is what has gotten me through these past 6 years and especially the past 2.

I remember watching the Winter Olympics that year and arguing over the winners.
I loved figure skating and you took an interest to it…
You watched every bit of the competition just to be able to fight with me.
I loved that, even if we drove Grandma crazy with our constant bickering.
I am sad that we never came to a resolution.

I remember nursing your hand when you burned yourself or cut yourself fixing dinner when Grandma was in the nursing home.
We drove to see her almost every day,
And I helped you run your errands like buying fish food and turnips.
You were the person who taught me how to write a check because you refused to use a card.

I remember holding your hand and crying with you when Gidget the cat died of cancer,
It was one of the first times I had seen a grown man cry.
That taught me it is ok to cry sometimes, even if you are tough.
Tears are love pouring from within,
One of the few tangible reminders that love without pain isn’t deep enough.

I remember talking about what I would be when I grew up and sitting in your lap.
You were so proud that I would soon be graduating high school.
We talked about A&M and I showed you the acceptance letter.
You said you would give me a red rose for graduation like you did to wish me good luck in the pageant…
I know you sent me one from Heaven, where I hope you now reside.

I remember the best Christmas ever and the one that still fills my brain and heart with joy reminding me that they can be connected.
Going to the hospital and seeing you lay there so helpless but full of spirit,
Teasing me that I should be wearing the heart monitor because my heart was jumping for the ignorant boy I brought with me to see you,
Laughing a laugh I had never heard.

I remember that Christmas seeing you laugh and smile and home surrounded by family.
I had never seen you or everyone else so happy and I was blissfully happy at the news the doctor gave that we would have you for many more years…
That Christmas stays with me full of joy and love and zero pain.

I remember so many things about you but most of all, I remember my one regret.
The doctor’s words and promises of “years” echoed in my mind as I became absorbed in my own life…
Obsessing with my first love, rebelling against the rules I had tirelessly followed,
Rushing through my last few months of high school as if life would run out,
Forgetting to come visit you like I had done every day for 6 years.

I remember that I had not seen you in 2 weeks, despite the fact that you lived less than a football field away.

I remember waking early that Sunday morning to the phone ringing and hearing dad’s words utter my worst fear.

I remember pulling the covers over my ears and pretending I didn’t hear because then it wouldn’t be true.

I remember hearing the sirens rush by outside and knowing where they were going and what they would find.

I remember my phone buzzing by my ear, sounding like the scratching of nails on a chalkboard and stabbing me from the inside out.

I remember sprinting as fast as I could next door and being scared to death to walk inside.

I remember smelling death as I walked inside and seeing the red outlines of eyes in the pained faces of everyone.

I remember kneeling down beside you and touching your hand, which was laying over your chest.

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.
Your Yellow Rose of Texas remembers and misses you still.