"A New Day Has Come" - Celine Dion

"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears,
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears,
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun,
A new day has come."

Thinking about something, that at the time seemed unfortunate, makes me recall A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion. My music tastes are quite eclectic - from Rock and Roll to Country to the Top 40 to Broadway to Celine Dion. I guess my music tastes reflect the many dimensions of my personality quite well.

Anyway, this has been the rainiest summer I can remember in my short twenty-four years. This July, it feels as though rain has marked every day. On Wednesday, I dressed in my favorite simple, black dress and headed to campus for class, no umbrella in tote for the first time all month. The weatherman promised (or so I thought) that there would be no rain, just a dry, hot summer day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, so I foolishly believed him.

Not taking an umbrella to campus is a lesson I learned the hard way when I was nineteen. My first semester in college, I parked my car and walked across the campus from Lot 100 to the Biological Sciences Building East (for those who don't know - it's a lengthy trek). I'm about half way there when the skies open up and Heaven literally falls down upon me. Needless to say, I get drenched then enter into the freezing cold building. Now, any sensible person would have gone home and skipped class. Did I fail to mention this was my FIRST ever college test day? Oh yea, that's why I was heading to class. I took my first college test soaking wet and freezing. (I got an A though!) :)

Six years later and I am still making rookie, freshmen mistakes. My class on Wednesday ends, and I leave Harrington Tower and begin walking to my car. Again, I'm about halfway to my car and the heavens once again unleash upon me. I consider running into a building, but think twice. For the second time in a month, I take off my sandals place them in my bag, make sure it is closed completely to protect my computer, and saunter to my car. That's right - I strolled or walked with a leisurely gait (courtesy of dictionary.com), unconcerned with the rain falling on my head, soaking my clothes and hair.

I have to admit, it was a refreshing feeling. For the first time I can remember, I did not feel like sugar melting away, but more like oil resisting solubility. Later, I reflected on why I acted so out-of-character. The only reaction and reasonable explanation I could come up with - I felt at peace.

When there is nothing wrong, we have nothing to fear, and we truly feel at peace with our lives, with God and with the world around us, little to nothing can penetrate deeply to bother our consciousness. Currently, I am blissfully, blessedly happy. My life is moving in the direction I have worked hard to propel it, my physical and mental health are in harmony, my family is healthy and happy, and my relationships with friends continue to deepen.

When I think about rain, I think about the sky. When I think about the sky, I see Heaven. When I think about Heaven, I think about praying. When I think about praying, I feel God's presence. The unexpected rain on Wednesday made me stop and evaluate the current state of my life. I owe it all to a greater purpose. Once again, my reminder that Someone far beyond my tiny world is part of everything.

"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears,
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears,
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun,
A new day has come."

At least I'm passionate, right?

Sometimes, I really feel for my friends and family - they are so sweet, kind and supportive and it sometimes alludes me as to why they like me so much. I mean, I can certainly be a handful and hard to handle. I am a very passionate person who is also emotional, so sometimes my passions and emotions just can't contain themselves. Again, I repeat, I really feel for my friends and family.

When I find something I like, I REALLY like it. Sometimes it is to the obsessive level of like. My newest obsession - The Great Gatsby. First, a little back story. The older I grow, the more I realize that God is the backbone of everything and that he often has a bigger plan that the one I know about. He is everywhere and has a hand in everything, even the most insignificant thing - like the book I choose to read. He guided me to this novel, and it came at a good time. I was stuck in my writing and work ethic, but took the time to read this novel and I feel...refreshed, inspired, motivated, unstuck. I have been more productive the past two days than the week before reading Gatsby. God is one smart fella.

When I went to New York City for Spring Break, I became obsessed with Rock of Ages after seeing the Broadway play. My friends and family can attest, it is all I talked about for the next...oh wait, I'm still talking about it! Anywho, the movie version came out in theaters about a month ago, and I was one of the first in line to see it. During the previews, a new version of The Great Gatsby was shown starring none other than my precious Leonardo DiCaprio. This moment sparked a later conversation with a friend who had read the novel. She assured me the book was one I should take the time to read.

On Sunday evening, I went and plucked Gatsby from my bookshelf and took it to bed. That night, I finished the first third of the book. I'll admit, chapters one and two were not the most riveting and I considered giving up. However, I stuck with it and was entranced by the characters. Monday night, I couldn't fall asleep until I had resolved all of my issues and figured out how the story ended. That's right, I finished it.

Now, I am beyond shocked, surprised and cannot stop thinking about the story and how it ended. I'm lost in this world of the roaring twenties and aghast at how all of the characters were tied together. I don't want to give away the ending, but it is a shocker that will leave you wondering why.

I have been unable to stop talking about this novel with my friends and family. My best friend, sent me this message via Pinterest to capture my frustrations:

"Book hangover: the inability to start a new book because you're still living in the last book's world."

This is perfectly how I am feeling. Last night, I began reading Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter but felt as though I was cheating on Nick and Gatsby and Daisy...I'm not over them yet. It's going to take me another day or two to clear my thoughts and move on, but these characters have found a special place in my heart and The Great Gatsby has found it's way on my top-5 favorite novels list. That's quite an accomplishment. :)

1. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
3. Jurassic Park by Michale Crichton
4. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
5. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"What's life without a little whimsy?" -Sheldon Cooper

Sometimes life gets too routine and too focused for me. I am a bit of a control-freak (*cough*, understatement?) and I like to plan, organize and check things off to-do lists. Well, I decided to add a little whimsy, as we'll call it, to my life...however, I got a bit more than I bargained for.

I decided to make my second official trip to Arizona to visit my Kendall-love/sister/bestie! In March, on my first trip, I had a blast. Arizona is such a fun place and to be honest, the heat is SOOO much better than the junky humidity of Texas (seriously, I did not sweat once in AZ and have been miserable since returning to TX despite TX being "cooler"). Anywho, I digress. This trip was no different from the first. I relaxed (despite having grad school work to do) and really enjoyed myself. I'm convinced it's the people I love in AZ that make it so much fun but we do entertaining things as well. This trip consisted of shopping, a Diamondbacks game, shopping, laying by the pool, shopping, movies, pizza, wine...did I mention shopping? :) AND, most importantly, lots of time chatting and hanging out with my bestie. I couldn't ask for more.

Now, while picking up and taking a trip in the middle of the summer school semester when I have assignments due, a presentation to prep for and a major deadline looming is whimsical enough for me, but that is not where this story begins.

Before I left on Saturday, I was chatting with my momma about my plane schedule. I left myself 50 minutes in DFW to get from plane 1 to plane 2 with a terminal change. I've done this before so I had no worries. My mother, on the other hand, pointed out that this was probably not the wisest decision as planes are often delayed. My response, "Mom, it's over 100 degrees in Phoenix. It's over 100 degrees in Dallas. It's over 100 degrees in College Station. I'll be fine." Boy, would I eat those words.

On Wednesday (my return to TX day), my bestie dropped me off at the airport with plenty of time to get to my flight. No worries. As I'm waiting for the flight to board, I notice the time on the TV screen at my gate has changed. Then, one of the flight attendants (?? is that what they're called) comes on the intercom to let us know that our plane had to make an extra stop getting to Phoenix so it is 30 minutes delayed. BAAAHHH! My tight schedule is not looking too good. Feeling concerned, I approach the flight attendant and ask her if I will be able to make my 8:15 flight. "Oh, of course dear. No worries," was her response. I relax. A little.

To compound a delayed flight, our flight was VERY full and it seemed like every person was trying to bring 3 or 4 carry-ons. Totally not allowed! Anyway, FINALLY our flight begins boarding. **Side note: why don't they board the BACK of the plane first? It takes so much extra time to board the front of the plane first. Just a suggestion.** It takes longer than expected to board the plane and we are now 40 minutes behind schedule. So, recap, I will have about 10 minutes to get from one terminal to another in DFW and get on my plane. Easy peasy...right?

I'm anxious the entire flight, but thankfully sit next to a sweet little lady from Indianapolis who tells me all about her daughter in college, her 16-year-old son, Peyton Manning and how great Indianapolis is to live in. Noted. Who knows...maybe one of those nice little universities will offer me a job in a few years?? I spent the rest of the time alternating between reading The Great Gatsby and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Seriously, my adult-onset-ADHD is getting worse. I also spent some time problem solving how I will get back to CS when I miss my plane as there isn't another flight out of DFW to CS tonight.

We land in DFW (or so we we're told). It felt like we landed in CS and then drove the airplane to DFW, if you know what I mean. As Murphy's Law would have it, our flight came in on the runway FARTHEST from the airport. Of course. We are a few minutes earlier but taxi for about 15 minutes. I've got 20 minutes. The flight attendant comes on to announce gates and such. I'm landing in A35 and have to make it to B9. Doesn't sound too hard. Thankfully, when we get to the gate, the captain comes on, "If you have a connecting flight leaving before 8, you've missed it. If your flight is leaving at 8:15 or 8:20, rise now and exit. If your connecting flight is leaving after 8:20, please allow the other passengers to exit first." How sweet!

I jet (no pun intended) out of my seat, grab my bags and speedily walk off the plane and up the jetway. I'm wearing my amazing, favorite Sperry flip-flops which are useless at this point. I kick them off, pick them up, stick them in my purse and begin running as soon as I'm out of the jetway. I'm sure I looked cute, running like a supermodel with my hair gently blowing in the breeze. Ha, who am I kidding? I was definitely a bit spastic. However, as I ran through the airport, up the escalator, to the Skylink and down the escalator, I was encouraged by people cheering and yelling for me, "you can do it!" and "you'll make it"! Again, how sweet!

Finally, I get to B9 - it's 8:10. 5 minutes. No one is at the gate. The jetway is gone. Shit, I've missed my flight! I look panicked hoping this will help matters. Then, a flight attendant approaches me, "College Station?" he asks. "YES!" I shout, as best as I can through my panting and panic. "You must be Ms. Hodges. Follow me and I'll walk you out to the airplane." We then climbed down some stairs to the pavement, walked out to the plane and walked me up some steep stairs into the plane. :) Yes, I made it!

I'm much more at ease on this flight and 28 minutes later, we land in CS. I get off the plane and skip (I'm happy now) to the baggage claim with the other 15 people on the flight. The baggage claim starts rolling and about 30 minutes later (with everyone else gone), it stops. A nice little man walks out and stares blankly at me. "Follow me to baggage claim," he says. He types into his little computer my information, then looks at me. "You're flight was delayed from Phoenix?" he asks. "Yes, sir," I reply. "Oh, wow! How the heck did YOU make this flight?" "I ran." "Well, your bag did not run. It's still in DFW but will be here on the first flight in the morning. Should be here around 11:45. We'll call you." Turns out, if you run to catch the flight and get escorted to the plane, you're luggage will not make it. Good news: the Sprinkles cupcakes (a bit smushed but still delicious), my computer and me all made it, so alls well.

Now, if that wasn't enough whimsy for one week, you haven't met me! The reason I had to so direly make that flight was because I had a presentation at 10 am the following morning (today). This morning, I show up and sign in for the presentation with my co-presenter, Nancy. We head up to the MSC where our presentation is taking place and get all set up. The presentation should start around 11:15. At 11, this little white box on the wall starts flashing. Then a computerized voice comes on the intercom, "There is a fire emergency in the Memorial Student Center. Please evacuate immediately." Are you kidding me?? What the hell? So, we evacuate.

At 11:15, we are still stuck outside, so we meet up with the group we are presenting to and make arrangements to move to a new location. Great, but we left our presentation materials in the first room and are not allowed to go back into the building. At 11:20, a second announcement comes on allowing us back into the MSC. We begin our presentation at 11:30 and all is right with the world.

I think I've had enough whimsy for a while. Time to be back on a schedule and routine, but man does God have a sense of humor! :) (and, Mom, fine. You were right.)

-Tracey

God has a bigger plan or I'm really lucky??

This is a constant question that floats around in my head. Take what I'm about to say with a slice of humble pie, but I feel like my life fits perfectly into place. Things happen that I sometimes don't understand but upon closer inspection, or the passing of time, I find that they fit perfectly. Now, I am unsure what the purpose of this is. Is it God's divine intervention? Am I really that lucky? Or, do I have a desire to find meaningful connections in everything so I create this in my head? I like to think it is God's plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). Here is a prime example:

This past Spring semester, I took my first Ph.D. level statistics course. I loved it. Clearly. I'm a math person who likes to write. Anywho, a few weeks ago, I received an email from the research center at TAMU asking me if I would like to work some during the summer. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. I would get to work on federally funded projects while improving on my research skills. I was recommended for this position (along with some other students) based on my performance in my statistics course.

This information is important. Now, of equal importance is my tumultuous year. This past year, I taught 8th grade Language Arts. I taught in a time that was full of change and hardship. Along with teaching a new grade - at the Special Education level and Pre-AP, I was tasked with helping to write new curriculum for the district that fused together new TEKS, a new state assessment and College and Career Readiness Standards (which are a National initiative). Got that? It was rough and made me crazy. I had never heard of these College and Career Readiness Standards and became very familiar with them, along with the TEKS and the new STAAR. Along with curriculum writing and implementation.

Hopefully that is all clear as it lends itself to the point of my post. Now, in all of this, I was stressed, uptight, overwhelmed and going crazy! I thought constantly, "Why is this happening?", "why am I doing this?" and "How is this going to be applicable in my future?" My time is stretched so thin as is that I don't like to spend time on things that won't help me in the future or don't have purpose. All year, I felt like I couldn't give my students the best education possible because of the stress all of this laid upon me. However, at this point, I have the 8th grade Language Arts TEKS memorized, I know the College and Career Readiness Standards and I know how to write STAAR style questions without even blinking an eye.

So - Why is this important? Today, I had my first meeting with the research center to learn about the types of projects we will be working on. I was assigned to two projects - both dealing with College and Career Readiness Standards! The directors of the center had no idea that I was well-versed in this information. How convenient lucky blessed whatever! Crazy, right?

I take from this that God put me through an exhausting year to teach me these standards so that I could help with this project and gain valuable experience which I'm sure will help further my professional career as a researcher. So, here is the question - is this part of God's perfect plan? am I luck? or am I fabricating that these pieces fit together? Again, I choose to believe this is God's plan for me as this is not the first, and I'm sure not the last, time that my life fits perfectly into place.

-Tracey

Summer...I can definitely get used to this!

Today was the first "official" day of summer. Monday - no school! :) A few realizations have already been made. 1) My loving "cackle", as my family affectionately calls it, is back. This is the laugh I use when I am genuinely enjoying myself. Feels good to laugh like that again and not be so stressed. 2) Today was the first time in 2-years that I have had my blood pressure taken and it was NOT high! Good things.

Here's a breakdown of my day. I foresee this schedule being repeated to my heart's content until August! (Plus a little work in between.)

5:30a - Wake up.

6a - Bootcamp! (for free...can't beat that!)

7:15a - shower and get ready

8a-11a - drive to the Rock and go to the dentist (blah!)

12p - lunch with the family

2:30p - back at home - Secret Millionaire time!

3:30p-5:30p - nap with Jack

6p - Grad school assignments (online discussions and such)

7p-9p - Writing at Muldoon's for the book chapter

9:30p - dinner while watching Bachelorette

midnight - bed

Repeat.

I'm more of the seven days kind of girl...

"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted, and seven days are more than enough for others." - Jane Austen (Sense and Sensibility)

Currently, I am reading this novel for one of my summer classes and this quote struck me as being such a beautiful sentiment. As always, I find that God is directing me exactly where I need to go and is giving me one of my greatest joys, books, to share clever thoughts with me. I have never read this book of my own accord but so far, I love it! I've always been a fan of Jane Austen novels but haven't read them all. This summer, I will read 5 of her 6 novels. Heck, I'll probably throw in the last book for good measure.

Anyway, this thought in simple terms means: It is not time or availability that determines a love connection between two people; it is personality alone. Seven years would not be enough to make some people fall in love, and seven days are more than enough for others.

To me, that is such a beautiful thought and clearly depicts what I think about falling in love. There are so many relationships in my past that I feel were forced, and so many others that I disregarded by saying "it's not a good time for me" or "I don't want to do distance" or "I don't have time for a relationship" or some other excuse. Yet, I always found myself admitting to friends if a guy came along who genuinely interested me, none of those things would matter. I would make the time and do it gladly! I have even received backlash from guys who say I didn't give them a fair shot, but in reality, I knew they weren't for me. While I don't fall fast, I do know rather quickly about someone. Within a month of every relationship I've been in, I've known whether it would be long or short and whether it would end or not. Even my most substantial relationship, I predicted would not end in marriage despite its lengthy duration. I predict that I will know within in a month of dating my forever man, too.

I thank God for bringing such a beautiful sentiment into my heart and sharing it through an intriguing story of the quest for love and the factors that can derail it. It is incredible to me how little has changed in over 200 years. We have become so much more advanced as a society, intellectually, but still have difficulties with intimacy. I am interested in continuing to analyze the parallels between this novel (published in the early 1800s) and life today.

This quote says it all. In issues of the heart, nothing else does matter but a compatible personality and temperament conducive to a relationship. It really is as simple as I've always believed it to be. I've just never had the good fortune of experiencing it, but hey, I'm still young! :)

Dear College Students...from the 8th Graders!

Today, I asked some of my students to write letters to my future college students. I asked them to give advice to my students about what kind of teacher I am and what they can expect. Keep in mind these are from the perspective (and writing abilities) of 8th graders. They gave me a good laugh and really gave me some insights into my personality! :) Enjoy...

Dear College Students,

You have Ms. Hodges (I think) as your professor. I thought she was a Language Arts Teacher not a scientist?? Well, anyway you need to know that her favorite color is red BUT she will DENY it...and she LOVES to be called Miss, so call her that. Everything else you can find out on your own because you all are Big Kids now! :)
-G

Listen up college people, ya'll better be freakin' good to her! She is so amazin' but she can be mean if she wants to be. Ms. Hodges is sweet, pretty, and young [younger than I thought]. She has an amazin' personality and she is pretty chillax. Plus she crazy..she can be such a teen at heart. But I freakin' love her! She is my favorite teacher and I'm like cereally going to meet her!
-A

You have Ms. Hodges as your professor. She is a very polite person. You will need to know that she dislikes pickles and things that are not perfect. She will expect you to be on your best behavior, and if you participate a lot in class, you will actually love her because she will treat you like a good friend.
-M

Mrs. Hodges she is real cool and she loves Jacob off Twilight, she loves reading, she hates it when you talk a lot. Ms. Hodges let's you watch The Outsiders and Grease with John Travolta. She is the coolest teacher you will ever have. When you are in her class, she let's you do a lot of fun things.
-R

You will love her. She's great! She has taught me so much! Sometimes she can even have a country accent! I'm going to miss her so much. You're lucky she's your teacher.
-M

Ms. Hodges is a very kind, fun and interesting person. Though if you talk or misbehave in her class, she'll get mean! But she is very in depth and loves reading and her dog. She always has a lovely smile and brightens up any room she walks into. Be nice to her and do well!
-G

You have Ms. Hodges as your professor! She need a man cause she's going to be getting old soon. He has to be smart, polite, athletic. Anyways, she's fun and funny. Turn in your stuff on time, but if you need more time, ask her nicely and she'll probably give you some more time.
-T

You have Mrs. Hodges as your professor. She is nice but if you get on her bad side, she will flip. But she is a good teacher. She's very laid back sometimes. She likes people who work. She dislikes people who disrespect. She is a BIG BOOK WORM! She always was her nose in a book. Ya'll will like her.
-S

You have Ms. Hodges as your teacher...I mean PROFESSOR! Well, she's cool and VERY patient. Like oh my goodness...I would literally go crazy trying to teach these kids. They ask too many questions. I won't lie, I ask too many questions. She's weird...like a fruit-loop. She is really nice though. Y'all are freakin' lucky! to have her as a teacher professor.
-L

So, I know you are going to have the most wonderful teacher, Ms. Hodges. So, I'm going to tell you a couple of things she likes to do and what she doesn't like. Her favorite thing to do is READ. She can read even in her dreams even if that sounds annoying. It's really good at the same time because she talks really fast and sometimes you are like "what did she just say?" Anyways, the thing she really hates is students' interrupting her! I know you are going to enjoy her and one tip: in Halloween, dress up as Jacob and I promise she'll get married with you.
-A

You have Ms. Hodges as your professor. She is a good teacher but can be mean at some points if she has to be. She is smart and strict about grading papers. She checks off on all grammar, but she loves to read the Hunger Games.
-B

You have Ms. Hodges as your professor. She can't sing so don't sleep in her class. You need to know that she likes Twilight but dislikes a lot of stuff. She hates sleepers and people who annoy her.
-R

Hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my classroom and the minds of teenagers!

6 years later, what have I learned?

Well, I have just finished up my 6th year (can you believe it??) of college. I have learned more in the last six years than I could ever describe in one blog posting. I have acquired a great deal of academic knowledge that will serve me in my future endeavors. I'm well under-way on my final degree at A&M and my second Master's. I can, without a doubt, admit that I have been blessed with opportunity and have done well.

Here are the things in my "other education" that I have learned along the way:

1. When going out with friends, beer costs roughly $2 while a Jack and Coke (my favorite drink) is about $6-$8. This is easy math. If you want to save money, learn to like beer. I have. (Mom, this one was for you. Proud?)

2. Crockpots are God's gift to the world. Throw anything you have in it (some kind of raw or frozen meat, veggies, seasonings and broth). Anything will turn out amazingly, can cook all day while you are gone and left-overs are delicious. (Again, it saves money to cook this way versus going out all the time.)

3. I will get more reading and writing done in my bed with my iTunes blaring than anywhere else in the world. I don't know why...and yes, I know psychology says don't do this, but it works!

4. I miss being home in the country, walking around the land, riding the tractor with my grandfather, fishing, riding the four-wheeler, shooting guns, smelling the roses with my grandmother. I never thought I'd miss where I grew up, but sometimes I do.

5. Friends last forever. The people that I grew up with and worked years developing relationships with are still present in my life and still close to my heart. I have added friends along the way that will be forever friends as well. Let's just say, my future children will have many "aunts" and god-parents. :)

6. Romantic relationships will get more complicated and harder to come by. In high school, relationships were easy. Games weren't played and it was easy to get along with someone. In college, all people wanted to do was play games. In adulthood, dating takes up too much time. It's a rough hobby to pursue.

7. Live every day as if it is a celebration of life. 

8. When all else fails, you feel overwhelmed or just need some inspiration - turn to prayer. God will pull you through, maybe not in the way you want, but in the way that is best. He has a plan bigger than you.

Let's see what I learn in the next 3 years...

-Tracey

A day in the life...

5 am: First alarm goes off

5:15 am: Second alarm goes off

5:30 am: Third alarm goes off

6 am: Final alarm goes off

6:20 am: Awoken by a lick in the face from Jack

6:25 am: Get out of bed and get ready for work (shower and get dressed and such)

6:50 am: Walk with Jack

7:07 am: Pack lunch and set up roast to cook in the crockpot

7:12 am: Put out food for Jack and set him up in his "play area"

7:17 am: Leave house

7:30 am: Receive morning coffee from my morning coffee guy (the same guy gets me my coffee every morning...he's nice and always welcomes me with a smile)

7:40 am: Arrive at work (yea, I was late...)

7:45 am: Bus duty

8:15 am: Return to classroom, make copies, prep for the day

9:09 am - 3:27 pm: Teach the children

4 pm: Faculty meeting

4:45 pm: Get coffee from my afternoon coffee guy (half price frappacinos!)

5:15 pm: Arrive home and walk Jack

5:45 pm: Check emails, stress about student loans, phone vent session with mom about being poor and "how the heck am I going to pay for all this?" and "am I crazy?" and "what the heck am I doing with my life?"

6:15 pm: stress relief - blare music, sing loudly, make mac-n-cheese to go with pot roast (from this morning, it cooked all day) and chase Jack around the house

6:45 pm: Eat dinner

7:30 pm: Write quizzes, grade papers, check work emails, enter grades (for work) while catching up on Tuesday's recorded shows

8:15 pm: Evening run/walk/workout

9:15 pm: Shower

9:30 pm: Read articles, work on matrix, write (for grad school)

11:30 pm: Realize how late it is and go to bed

11:45 pm: Read for enjoyment

12:30 am: Fall asleep...

...5 am: First alarm goes off and repeat.

My brain is like a platform, all the thoughts are swirling around at once across the platform, it's really complicated...

I'm not sure why but I woke this morning with a fright....something was wrong. I could feel it. I was nervous and looked anxiously around me. I grabbed Jack, petting his head and looked around a bit dazed. "What time is it? There's light flooding through my window," I thought. I reached for my phone and instantly saw all the green...3 missed calls, 4 texts...11 o'clock! "What?!? I'm late! No...it's Sunday. I'm fine." I checked the calls and texts, nothing out of the ordinary. "Why do I feel this way?"

To clear my head, I decided to go for a walk. I've been talking quite a few walks lately (thanks to the inspiration of a dear friend). I have to get in better shape for two weddings in six months...I've got work to do but I hate working out. Walking is tolerable and really gives me a chance to clear my head. I don't take my phone or music...just me and the great outdoors. When I was younger, I used to take long walks around my family's property nearly every day and loved it. I miss that about the country. It's hard to find good places to walk that really put me at ease here in town.

Anyway, while I'm walking, my mind goes into overdrive. It's the only time I do just one thing...no distractions, no multitasking, just me. My thoughts are scatterbrained and all over the place.

I wonder if Jack is barking.

iPads...

how would I write this IRB proposal for a study on attendance? Oh, I need to review those articles first...write a lit review. I'll do that this week after work.

coffee

wonder if I can find that cute bag I've been wanting.

I need to book a flight to Arizona. I need to talk to Kendall about 4-corners. Pack for the family vacation. I wonder if we can visit the University of Colorado....what if my PhD program goes under like Kendall's did. I really want to move. But, I want to finish first. Gah, I need to talk to Dr. M.

I need to read that book Rhonda recommended to me. This syllabus isn't going to write itself. I have time...it's only May!

Top 10% banquet and 8th grade day are coming up. Ugh, I hate that I didn't enter all those grades on Friday...my desk is a mess. At least my copies are made. I need to finish reading The Outsiders. The kids are catching up to me. I have that meeting with Rhonda on Monday...wonder what we'll talk about. I need to think through this before tomorrow morning. 

Is it really Sunday? I need to buy groceries. Did I pay my bills? Yes, I think. I hope. Ugh...

I should go back to Muldoon's today. I need to finish reading some articles and matrix the ones I already read. Chyllis is awesome to send me that template. She has it together...I want to be more like her. I'm too scatterbrained.

Wonder how lunch went for Grandma, Melody and Dad? I'll call them all later. I need to go Mother's Day shopping. Can I go to the Rock next Sunday? I'll check the calendar. Need to go to Lowe's and get dad that tool he wanted. Wonder if I have the money? I'll make it work. 

Robyn called this morning. Phone tag. We need to talk...wedding stuff. She has good insights into my scatterbrainedness...she'll tell me what to do. I hope she picks grey dresses...or purple. I like both. I hope this walking makes my butt get smaller...and my arms. I should do some pushups too. Or play tennis. I need to go to San Antonio soon. I wonder when I can go in the summer. 

I'm thirsty....I'm hungry. How far have I walked? How long has it been? Should I head back home? 

40 minutes later, I arrived back home. Jack was barking. I got some water and cereal and made my to-do list for the day, then consulted my calendar and penciled in a few tasks that have to be done this week. I know I joke all the time that I'm a procrastinator, and I am, but I'm a planner, too. It's really a gift to be able to do both successfully.

Anyway, as I was walking and thinking (you saw a small glimpse of how my brain works), I realized that for one of the first times in my life...I'm scared. I'm taking a huge risk by returning to school full time. My bestie's PhD program fell out from under her and I worry every day that mine will do the same. What happens if it falters before I graduate? Where will all that work go? This really has been eating away at my conscious this weekend. I'm going to have to do something to put my mind at ease.

I'm also beyond happy that my two best friends are getting married, but at the same time, I'm a bit freaked out. Why? I don't have a clue. I'm all for marriage and my parents have been blissfully, happily married for 35 years...I just have a fear of it. Maybe that's because I've never been close to marriage or because mass media portrays it in such a negative light...I don't know. I need to get over this.

Finally, as I've mentioned before, I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I'm staying stagnant. Now, I know this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm doing a lot with my life and loving every bit of it. But, 6 years after graduating high school, I'm in the same town, still in school, still trying to work to make ends meet, still single, still dreaming of moving away. Granted, a PhD is a pretty good tether...but...I can't help feeling the way I do.

The long and short of this post is that today I realized I have a lot of anxiety buzzing around me. This is not something new or different, but is how things have been for a very long time. I just don't know how to ease my mind. Maybe completing my daily checklist will help....
 

"Oh yea, I have a type..."

I have to begin this posting by saying that this story certainly makes me laugh at myself. Hopefully, whoever is reading this will get a kick out of it as well. :)

Background knowledge: First of all, you need to know that my friends and I have talked about "types" before. You know, some girls have a "type" of guy they usually like. I always said, "well, I kind of really like jocks, but intellectual guys too (hoping for a guy who fit both)..but I don't really have a type." By the end of this posting, it should be clear that I DO have a "type". Secondly, sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me (see previous postings)...not just because I have trouble dating but because I just don't meet too many guys that strike my fancy, so to speak. Rarely do I see a guy and go, "Oh, he's attractive" and even less often do I find someone I can carry on an enjoyable conversation with. Again, by the end of this posting, I will have surmised (although friends have validated) that there is nothing wrong with me but it might be more clear than ever that I'm in the wrong place.

This past weekend, I went to visit my dear bestie/sister (not really my sister but we look alike and act alike so it's a fair declaration). It was a wonderful vacation and made me feel so blessed and relaxed. I got into Arizona on Friday and of course, my bestie and I begin shopping. We were looking for new handbags and scoured the stores. I immediately find three that I fall in love with...guys are a complicated story but handbags always win my heart (j/k...but kind of true). Anyway, I don't buy one as I can't make up my mind of which I need most. I decide to walk away and think on my decision.

Saturday night, I have a wonderfully splendid dream that tells me which handbag to purchase. In my dream, I am boarding my flight back home, which is on Monday morning. I am dressed really cute (because of course I dress cute on normal days...for those who don't know, I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl) and I am carrying one of the handbags I saw the day before. I get on the plane and am blessed with a middle seat (sarcasm). I sit down next to an incredibly handsome young man. He sees my handbag and compliments me on it, initiating conversation. We talk throughout the next two and half hour flight and as luck would have it, he lives in Austin! (Clearly, it's my dream and I can do what I want.) Long story short, we live "happily ever after" or whatever it is people do.

I wake up the next morning and declare to my bestie that I MUST have the handbag as I relay my dream. She agrees and we go purchase the bag. Now, it's Monday morning. I decide not to carry the bag as my purse (I don't want it to get dirty on the plane...logically), but I do carry it in a shopping bag with a few other items so it is safe (and clean).

Anyway, I board the plane and you guessed it, middle sit. I see my row and no one is in it. "Great," I think, "I'm just going to have to move when the person in the window seat gets here." I sit and patiently wait, secretly hoping a cute guy will sit beside me. As I'm watching people walk by, I see a guy walking down the aisle who is actually really cute (It should be known that this is saying something on my part...like I said, rarely do I think a guy is really attractive...aside from Leo DiCaprio of course). And, you guessed it again, he is Mr. Window Seat. Score!

We don't say anything to each other for the first 15ish minutes of the flight. I am reading my stats textbook (exciting stuff) and he is looking out the window. After a while, I look up to stretch my neck after hunching over the dang book and look out the window. He then initiates conversation, "interesting topic, huh?". There is sarcasm in his voice (huge plus for him). From then on, we talk. That's like two hours talking to a really cute stranger. Cool. Added bonus, he can carry on an intellectual conversation. I learn that he is a recent college grad, my age and competes in decathlons while working as a personal trainer. Not bad...and of course he's my type (smart, can carry on an intelligent conversation and really athletic). We talk about education, statistics, running, college, international topics, etc. Seriously, I haven't had such a good time talking to a guy in a long time (no offense to anyone out there, just truth).

As our plane gets ready for landing, I bring up the inevitable question. "So, are you staying in Dallas or going on?" His answer, "to Ottawa". He then pulls out the airplane magazine and we start looking at the map. He shows me where Ottawa is and tells me where he is going in the next few months for competitions. I show him where I am from and where I am going. "So, you are visiting Canada?" I ask..."Home". Bummer...I would meet a cute, nice guy who lives really far away. Haha. I guess it makes for a fun story though...

Anyway, as soon as I get off the flight and to my next plane, I call my bestie to inform her of my luck. The handbag worked!...sorta. She laughed and we agreed the handbag is probably lucky.

Lessons learned: 1. Never doubt the power of a great purse. 2. I definitely have a type...athletic, cute and smart. 3. I really need to move and maybe my luck will change. 4. Unless, I can find a cute, smart, athletic guy close to home (but I'm not crossing my fingers).

:)

STAAR Advice

STAAR Advice by Ms. Hodges

For many, many days we have worked hard,
And now your brains are no longer like lard.
They are full of knowledge, strategies and facts,
To help you on the STAAR test, but sorry, no MACs.

Genre, preview, visualize and read
Are some good strategies so take heed,
Of the advice I have given you all year
And approach the STAAR test with no fear!

You are capable and ready with a strong aptitude
Just make sure to eat a good breakfast and come with a positive attitude!
Dictionaries, pencils and of course, your brain, are good resources,
Use them to overcome the clock and you will have great forces!

You are as ready as ready can be
So take a deep breathe, relax and you’ll see.
The test isn’t scary at all,
Except for how empty is has made our hall.

Your teachers are proud of the work you have done
All year to become number one.
Two more days and then you’re free
To enjoy school with no more misery.

A few last notes before you go,
Be sure to take your time but don’t go too slow.
Look up words that are new,
I’m sure there will be a few.

Remember the genres and why we read each,
Eat a good breakfast and maybe a peach.
Remember you are intelligent
Now you just have to prove it!

Don’t talk or act up while the tests are out
Or you could cause trouble that would be paramount!
When you are finished, double check
And don’t have stray marks, not even a speck!

Relax, stay strong and know that we care
Because you are brilliant, of that I’m aware.
Try your best and don’t lose hope,
I know you will fly, not merely float!

Best Spring Break on record...*sigh*

Today is the final day of Spring Break and it feels like nothing special...back to reality, back to the daily grind and back to my normal Sunday to-do list: grocery shopping, cooking meals for the week, lesson plans for the week, grad school work (not necessarily in that order). I'm sad that Spring Break has to come to an end, especially one so wonderful, but I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the next few months of work before summer arrives.

This Spring Break, I went on a trip. It is the second Spring Break in my recorded history that this has happened. When I was younger, Spring Breaks were a time for yard work, big home projects, etc. and my parents didn't get time off so we never went anywhere. As a college kid, I had no money so I usually visited boyfriends, friends or family for the break but didn't go any where spectacular. My senior year in high school, a friend and I went to Cabo with her family. It was great fun except for the fact that we got sunburned on day one so badly that we spent the rest of the trip covered from head to toe and suffering from headaches (I've kind of been scarred from that experience and am hesitant to visit Mexico even now). So, this was my first real "Spring Break vacation" where I planned and took a trip...and to my beloved New York City, what better!

We've been to New York City twice before so we've done all the sight-seeing things like the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Top of the Rock observatory, museums, Ground Zero, Wall Street, Little Italy, etc. etc. This time, was our trip...shopping, Broadway shows and soaking up the stinky New York air. :) We did a lot of shopping and went to all our favorite stores: Macy's, Bloomingdales, Coach stores, Pandora stores, antique book stores (where first editions cost thousands of dollars...some day!), candy/cupcake shops, Tiffany's...it was wonderful! However, I will say two things stand out as the highlights of the trip: Rock of Ages and my excellent news!

We've now seen four Broadway musicals (and are all cultured and stuff). Wicked was the first and took my breath away. It was so funny and entertaining and definitely not what I thought Broadway would be like. Then we saw Phantom of the Opera. The technical difficulty and intricacies of that show are unparalleled...simply astounding. We saw Mamma Mia! this trip and I was so excited about it, but was actually disappointed. It wasn't as funny as I hoped and it didn't jive me like the others had. Still a great show, but comparably speaking, disappointing. Now, Rock of Ages...I have been listening to the soundtrack (downloaded from Itunes as we walked back to our hotel) nonstop and have dreamed about seeing it again for 4 nights straight. It was AMAZING! My kind of show in a nutshell: a love story, wrapped around the biggest hits of the 80s with a band that rocked out on their drums and guitars at a "just too loud" decibel. I was in Heaven. For those who don't know, I am a closet rocker. When I was 8, I started stealing my parents old records (yes, we had a record machine) and CDs of the "hair bands". I also bought and own the complete "Monster Ballads" collection...Whitesnake, Bon Jovi, Journey, Poison, REO Speedwagon, STYX, on and on. I also listen to my music way too loud (and constantly...I can't wait to have a sound system in my future home). I like heavy beats and dudes with long hair, tattoos and motorcycles excite me just a little. Throw into that a kickass love story, some risque and dirty jokes and truly sweet and enchanting characters and I'm hooked. We are already in the process of buying tickets to see the show when it comes through Austin in the fall and I cannot wait for the movie this summer! :)

Now, onto the next reason why my Spring Break was so wonderful (as if a trip to New York could be beat!) First, let me back track and share some of my "bucket list" as it will help put things into perspective.

Bucket List (as of 2012):
1. Earn a Ph.D.
2. Have children.
3. Become a published author.
4. Visit New York City at Christmas.

I could go on but those are the 4 you need to know to understand the magnitude of the news I'm about to reveal. When I was a little girl, I loved to read. I used to throw tantrums (seriously) and cry if I didn't get taken to the library. I had a library card before I could sign my own name because I was a "big girl" (at like 3 or 4) and wanted my own. I started collecting books that young as well and loved it. It's been a lifelong passion (guess it's no surprise that reading education is what my doctorate is in??). When I was old enough to write, I began keeping journals and writing my own little stories. Granted, they are terrible, but it was my start. Against all odds, I majored in English and have always found writing to be a release and wonderful past-time. It's no surprise then, that I have dreamed of being a published author. Now, I don't want to be any kind of author, I want to write something that will make an impact, upset people a little bit and change perceptions...I'm thinking Harper Lee (author of To Kill a Mockingbird).

Anyway, we are in New York City (my favorite city, although I've decided I don't want to live there, just visit as often as possible). We are sitting in this Irish pub called The Playwright (how appropriate) which we adore. I know I should be getting a rejection/acceptance email about a book chapter proposal I submitted. (This means I sent 4 pages of something I want to write to a book editor and he decides if it is consistent with the theme of the book. If he accepts, I get to write the chapter for approval to be published.) My phone dings and I reach for it. My poor mother is oblivious to what I am doing as I am an incessant email checker. I see who the email is from...the editor! EEK! My heart starts racing as I begin to read (I know it sounds silly but this is my dream so give me a little credit!). As I start to read, it doesn't sound good. No overwhelming "Congratulations", no balloons or streamers...just lots of writing. I can't figure out at first if it is an acceptance or not. Then I read those lines..."the topic of your proposed chapter is consistent with the theme of this book and could make a significant contribution to this project." I scream. Literally. Out right. In the middle of an Irish pub in Times Square in New York City. I feel like all eyes are on me and my poor Momma is just looking at me, questioningly. I can barely tell her the news but I get it out. I can't believe it. My childhood dream is coming to bloom...yes, it's only the beginning but what a great start!

The moment I found out!

Now, I have until July 1st to write the 20-30 pages. I'm excited and know it will be worth whatever I have to sacrifice between now and then to get it done.

Enjoying the greatest Spring Break ever, with one of my favorite people and watching my dreams literally come true...priceless.

-Tracey :)

Good for the Soul...

That's what friendship is...and vacations!

This weekend was amazing and just what I needed to feel refreshed, my soul cleansed and ready for one more week before Spring Break. I left work as soon as I possibly could on Friday and jetted to San Antonio (literally, if you know how I drive). When I got there, I met my best friend, her boyfriend and a group of her friends for dinner for her birthday. It was nice and relaxing and fun. On Saturday, we woke up early and drove to Fredericksburg to climb Enchanted Rock and look at the shops. Enchanted Rock was a good time, but a tough climb. However, the view from the top made it worth the sore calves and burning legs. We then went to Fredericksburg and toured the cute little shops for a few hours, got some burgers and ice cream and drove back to San Antonio. A well-earned nap was definitely on the agenda next and a few hours later, we enjoyed a game (and almost 2 hours) of wonderful tennis action. Tennis is my favorite sport and it felt so good to swing a racket again! This morning, my soul was cleansed further by a great worship service, a drive to the Rock, lunch with my family for my grandmother's 78th birthday. I am now back home and have finished two grad school papers. My soul feels so cleansed, work is easy. Better yet, I'm enjoying dinner later with my bestie who is visiting from Arizona.

Now, I'm dreading the next week at work but know it will go by quickly and then I will get to spend four days in New York City (my favorite) and nine days soaking up family and friends. I feel so good after this weekend, though, that I've decided mini-vacations of this such are required at least every two weeks from now on. My heart and soul need the refresher and need to be rejuvenated to make it through the tough weeks. Plus, it's fun and that's what your twenties are for! :)

Role Model

God is amazing because He isn't too busy for the small stuff.

1. Last night, I was tired. I didn't want to do anything...BUT a friend of mine talked me into running a 5K with her tonight. So, to "warm up" for that, I decided I needed to do something. I walked on my treadmill for about 30 minutes then decided that was good enough. I got some water and as I stood in my kitchen, got a suddenly strong desire to go outside and run. The walk didn't quench this feeling; my body wanted more. It was a beautiful day and beautiful night. So, I went outside with my Ipod blaring one of my favorite songs and I started running. It felt uncharacteristically good. No shin splint pain. So, I decided to try running faster and quickened my pace. This felt even better. I kept up the faster pace for a solid mile before I let up a little. I stopped and started walking. As I did this, I realized that I still had a desire to run...so, I ran sprint/walk intervals for another mile. This felt amazing...and quenched this running fever.

This morning, my abs hurt, my butt hurts, my legs are tight but I feel great! Ready for the 5K!! :)

2. Earlier this week, I was working in my favorite coffee shop on my "take home statistics exam". I was feeling a little guilty that I was working on grad school work and not planning lessons or grading or doing something else for work. As I was feeling guilty, one of my favorite ladies entered the shop: my grad mentor! I hadn't seen her in several months (as she's been on maternity leave) and the last time she saw me face-to-face, I was in a very bad position (literally having a panic attack about work). Seeing her, talking to her about her life and mine reinforced that I am doing what I am supposed to do and my guilt faded away.

3. Real talk for a minute: being a grown up is tough. Managing finances is tough. Supporting my expensive dream of earning a PhD on a teacher's salary is tough. Having to replace my washer/dryer unexpectedly on a budget is tough. That being said, I'm running low on cash this month and I'm too proud to ask anybody for money. I've been doing some work as a private tutor/editor for several clients to make extra money and establish a client base for next year. One of my clients said she was going to mail me a check this week for the papers I've helped her with already. I had shared with her my starting rates and had kept track of how much she owed me. I had a figure in my head. I got the check this morning and it was WAY more than I expected! Immediately, I called to inquire as to the amount and demand she let me send most of it back. Her response was that she really appreciated my help and that I was doing her a great service by taking the time to help her...and that I needed to keep the money. Thanks to this act of generosity, I am no longer in financial need and don't have to dive into my savings. :)

God is great and has blessed me with knowing so many wonderful individuals who encourage and support me, whether that is with getting my butt in shape, working on achieving my dreams or doing what I love most, teaching and editing. I'm a lucky girl and love a great and powerful God that is never too busy for my somewhat insignificant needs.

-Tracey

March Madness...

What a stressful and busy February this has been! Definitely one of the craziest yet. Last year, March was my busiest month and while I think this February will be hard to compete with, March might take the lead. Here is what's in store for the 2012 March Madness...

-Trip to San Antonio for the best friend's birthday
-5K race.
-Spring Break in New York City
-Spring Break loving up on family :)
-STAAR...boo...
-Trip to Scottsdale to visit the bestie
-Throw in graduate school, teaching, a few tests, project deadlines, working out, etc, etc...

It's going to be a crazy busy time but I am beyond excited! Actually, the rest of spring is full of great opportunities, good times with loved ones and all around enjoying life doing what I love. I couldn't ask for more than that.

-Tracey

I wasn't expecting...

to be hit with so many emotions today or to feel so much of God in my life. Let me begin with highlighting my awesome Friday night. Now, I am a 24-year-old, but definitely not the typical kind...most 24-year-olds are out on dates, dancing the night away with friends, having a few drinks, etc, etc on Friday nights. This girl, not so much. Last night, I got home and after a very long week at work, was EXHAUSTED! (Seems to be my buzz-word lately!) I decided to relax with a pizza and movie. I ate some pizza, yes. However, I put on the movie and made it about an hour in..and fell asleep on the couch. A few hours later, I woke up and dragged myself and Jack to bed where I slept amazingly until about 4 this morning. Dang it! I checked emails and responded to a few texts then went back to sleep until about 7, when I decided to wake up. Here is where my emotions of the day began...

1. One of my emails this morning was a swift kick in the butt from an amazing friend/colleague to get moving on some grad school projects. I have three projects that are about to be set in motion, all wonderful opportunities. It may be rough doing them all, but in the end, it will be worth it. Somehow this email lit a fire under me. I spent the first 4 hours of my day at my favorite coffee shop reading for one of my classes and thinking about these projects. Then, I went home, did some more studying and read a novel for my other class. I finally got back into my school mindset. I feel like I've lost that mindset since I devoted all of my spare energy, brain-power and time to teaching...feels great to feel like myself again. Let's face it, I'm meant to be a student right now. It makes me feel complete.

2. I felt a tug at my heart as I realized that one of my dearest and truest friends is officially leaving me! I could not be happier for her, her upcoming marriage, transferring to a new school that is more aligned to her goals, chasing her dreams, everything...BUT I'm also selfish in that I want her to stay here with me. She and her fiance packed up her things and headed out to their new home in Arizona today. I will miss the Wednesday night girls' nights, movie dates, 3 and 4-hour long lunch dates, pedicures, shopping, trips to Houston, eating sweets, laughing...basically all of the K&T time. I felt sad knowing she is leaving, but happy at the same time. It reminds me that growing up is hard.

3. I have often expressed my dissatisfaction with being "stuck" where I am. I am here for a reason and that is to finish school. While I couldn't be happier about this, sometimes I feel like everyone else is passing me by. It seems like everyone else is graduating, getting married, moving forward...and I am STILL working on my last degree. I know this is all in my head, but it takes it's toll. College Station is a nice, little town to live in but certainly not where I want to be long-term. I get bored here quite often. However, today, I was reminded of why I do enjoy living here, why I consider it my hometown (where I've really grown-up) and finally, the perfect place to be finishing my degree. After working hard at the coffee shop for hours, I decided to run by the grocery store to pick up some food for the week. My bag was full of textbooks, my computer, notebooks, etc. and I didn't want to carry it around HEB so I just took in my wallet. As I walked around the store, I set my wallet on the top of the shopping cart. I finished my shopping, paid for my groceries and took everything out to my car. I loaded up, placed the cart in the "buggy return" and drove home. After I unpacked my groceries, ate lunch, watched a movie, took Jack for a walk, I decided to read more for class. I went to my bag to unpack my books and realized something was missing...you guessed it, my wallet! I promptly called HEB to find that, yes, they had my wallet! I rushed back to HEB to find that my wallet was completely intact, credit cards, money and all! Wow! It's nice to live somewhere where I can be a completely spaced-out grad student and still be safe! This could have ended very badly. Thank God for College Station and it's good-hearted people!

All in all, I've had a wonderfully productive day that gave me a glimpse of what it will be like next year to be a full-time student completely devoted to my studies. Early mornings full of reading and collaborating, afternoons of more reading, eating and my favorite, movies and evenings of reflection and writing...in a town that can handle the fact that I'm slowly losing my sanity. :)

-Tracey

Exhaustion

This week, I was feeling really run down and got bed-rested with what I thought was an everyday stomach virus. While I do believe this was a true illness, I have learned that the real cause of my lack of energy and days down was not a stomach virus but exhaustion. Over the past few years, I have realized that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Yes, it is ok to want more out of life and to continue growing yourself, but for some reason, I think that ALLLLLL has to happen right now. As a result, I am pushing myself to my limits without knowing it, until something like this week happens and I am crushed for a few days. After sleeping for two days and feeling off for four days, I am back to hitting the ground running. It is the weekend, but I don't plan to take it easy, as I probably should.

As usual, I'm trying to be optimistic so I am finding something good in this hectic week. Lately, I've been trying to make a very big decision and while, in my mind, this decision is made, I cannot execute it. That really stumps me because I have no reason to hesitate and I know I am making the right choice. Well, yesterday, I feel like God spoke to me through three individuals, who brought up the same random topic of conversation with me. I always see events like this as His way of speaking to me and making me listen. After thinking about these conversations and reflecting on my life right now and what I want in the future, I have reached a conclusion.

At work today, one of my colleagues commented on a lesson I put together at 10:30 the night before. I have this terrible procrastination complex and work best under pressure and push time limits to their edge without tipping over. So, I planned a kick-ass lesson at 10:30 the night before, walked in and taught it the next morning. I work BEST this way...which is not ideal for the conditions I work in. Anywho, she looked at me puzzled and asked me why I can't plan things ahead of time. I told her that I have so much to do all the time, that that is how things work for me. I'm not sitting around doing nothing, but I am always working...I just have to take things by priority at the time. This conversation got me thinking about why I'm doing so much...

Secondly, at lunch yesterday a colleague pulled me aside to verify a rumor she had heard about me. I neither acknowledged or denied the rumor, but merely said I wouldn't comment on it. She implied that she considered this rumor a negative thing and wanted to not procreate more negativity so she was setting the record straight. I was a bit stunned by this comment as I didn't see the rumor as a negative thing. This got me thinking about my perception of life and how it is being shown to others...

Finally, yesterday, I had dinner with my mom. Since we are so close, she had no qualms about asking me or telling me that she thought something was wrong with me. (Thanks, Mom). She questioned me about where my desire to constantly achieve more and never be satisfied came from. Was it a product of my raising? Was it due to some trauma I endured? What was it? I didn't have an answer. This got me thinking, would less really be more for me?

See what I mean? God got me thinking about three very important ideas that are tied together and tied to my decision. As if that weren't over-kill enough on the topic, He revealed to me my answers in one more way.

Wednesday night, one of my former roommates called me to chat about life and friends. She had mentioned a book to me, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which she thought I should read. Well, I began reading it last night during the storms raging outside (and ironically, in my mind). The first part of the book is all about perceptions and how they shape our behaviors and ideals. In my mind, working yourself hard and helping as many people as possible signifies success. But, it's actually doing the opposite in my life. Yes, I am helping lots of people and doing a bunch of great things, but I'm losing me in the process. This got me thinking about what perceptions I should really be focused on in my own life...

Ok, God, got the message! It's funny that He should know me so well. I love a good mystery, hate being told what to do and have to do everything wrong before I do anything right. He gave me four puzzle pieces to fit together and decide what to do (although He showed me what is best). Finally, He let me do everything wrong for years to realize what I need to do that's best for me, and for all the people I will help in the future.

Thanks, God for the wake-up call! Thanks to my colleagues for asking me tough questions. Thanks, Mom, for supporting me and not being afraid to challenge me (and no, this isn't your fault). Thanks, former roommate, for sharing the book that helped give me "perspective".

I have to admit that now with clarity, I am scared. I'm afraid to do what I want and do what is best (which for the first time, I believe are the same). It's tough, but I know God will pull me through. (And if on the off-chance I'm doing exactly what He doesn't want me to do, He'll pull me through that as well.)

Here goes everything...

-Tracey

Ponderings...

WARNING: There may will be cursing ahead.

I'm feeling really run-down today and under the weather, so while I am recuperating in bed, I figured I would sort through some thoughts buzzing around my head.

First of all, I have been under an inexplicable amount of stress lately that even I couldn't figure out...until today. When I woke up, I had received a random email talking about unconventional symptoms of stress. Among the list was: hair loss, weakened immune system, sweating and memory loss. All of which have been suffered recently by yours truly. Now, I say that this stress is "inexplicable", but today I was reminded of why I'm so stressed (funny how I always seem to need reminding of when my plate is too full). So, the second thing that happened when I woke up today was I had an email from my grad school mentor. She was offering me a great tutoring opportunity (for pay) but indicated that she assumed I was too busy. She knows me well-enough to preface with this or I would have said yes. As I was typing my reply to her and telling her about the on-goings of life, I mentioned what all I was doing and realized why I'm stressed:
1. Teaching 8th graders (and working massive hours per day/nights/weekends)
2. 6 hours of PhD coursework (easy-peasy)
3. Tutoring/Editing for 4 clients this semester
4. Trying to organize and conduct my first study
5. Bootcamp workouts 3-4 times per week
6. Social life
7. Family and Jack

Ok, so is really any surprise I'm stressed? No. Will it change? No. Glad that's cleared up.

The second thing that has been on my mind lately is relationship dynamics. I mean all kinds of relationships: relationships between friends, relationships between mentors, romantic relationships, relationships between colleagues, etc. In the past year, I have put my career goals aside (slightly) and have begun focusing more on the people around me. My relationships have blossomed in so many ways and I am pleased by the outcomes, but I still have so many questions about some of these dynamics that I don't understand. Primarily, this year I have already learned some valuable lessons.

1. Reliance. I wouldn't have survived the past 2 years of my life (juggling work and school) without my best friends. I am so fortunate to get to spend my morning drive to work at 6:30 each morning with a call from my best friend. What a great way to start the day, no matter what we talk about. Then, I get to have at least 2 girls' nights a week with my other best friends. These relationships let me know that no matter what happens throughout the day, no matter how beaten down or defeated I may feel, I have wonderful women to share the joys and trials with. Beyond that, I know I have people who I can count on for anything. Yesterday, when I got home feeling sick, 4 friends offered to bring me drugs, soup and whatever I needed. I also have friends I can rely on to help take care of my puppy for me on my 14-hour days when I don't get to come home. That's the true meaning of love and having people you can rely on.

2. Respect. As a teacher, the most valuable lesson I have learned is respect. You must show respect to earn respect. You must earn respect through actions and words to keep it. You can easily lose it, even with one mistake. In all of my difficult decisions I've already had to make this year, respect has been the primary deciding factor. I have learned that as part of my personality, respect is vital for me. I must feel respected by the people around me in order to maintain relationships with those people OR return the respect. I'm thankful to know so many people who I do respect.

3. Games. (If you think this about you, you're probably right, and I'm ok with that.) I love games: video games, sports games, board games, online games). However, I do not love romantic games. I know I've written about romantic relationships quite often, especially recently, as my good friends are pairing up in lasting relationships and I am not. I admitted a lot of things about myself in relationships and once again, recently, was reminded of the one thing I hate most: games. I still maintain that "back-in-the-day" (whether that be high school, or even before) dating was easier and a lot less complicated. Today, people want to play games. They want someone in their "corner" as a safety net at all times. Just in case it doesn't work out with the current person, there is someone to fall back on. I know I've been this person for someone for a long time. I know friends of mine who have been this person for someone for a long time. I'm making the wake-up call for myself and for those friends of mine and anyone else who reads this and feels the same way: don't be the safety net. As one of my favorite movies, The Holiday, says "You deserve to be the leading lady of your own life". That's the philosophy I am now going to approach dating with...I'm the leading lady or no lady. :) I like it.

4. Positivity. This has altered a lot of my relationships with people this year, in numerous ways. Just by being positive about something I see as bad has made it more bearable. For example, I have been (mostly) positive about bootcamp. I'll be honest, I hate it while I'm doing. It's ok to not like working out. However, I love how I feel afterwards...and the 6lbs I've lost in 3 weeks ain't bad either! So, being positive while I'm doing and after has made it more bearable and had some great repercussions for me!

5. Find the Silver Lining. Last year, when things got really rough for me, I made a goal to find the silver lining in each day. Something special or worthwhile that happened to brighten my day. I think I'm going to bring that back. Coming soon...

My last pondering deals with myself. Last week, I had my students journal about "How others see them?" to see if they see themselves clearly. This made me consider whether or not I see myself clearly. I see myself as young, successful, judgmental, opinionated and hard-working. I doubt anyone would argue with that. However, I often feel like I am drowning or floundering rather than succeeding. That brings me to my final thought...two ways in which I was described within the past month...

1. "I remember meeting you. The famous Tracey Hodges!" - from a sweet grad school friend about meeting me last year

2. "This is my friend Tracey. She is like a teacher, PhD aficionado. She's 24 and has her shit together!" - an outspoken, like-minded grad school friend introducing me to some of her friends at her wedding reception

I'm definitely ok with being the "24-year-old with her shit together" and I would whole-heartedly agree (even on my toughest days) with that description.

-Tracey

The Tipping Point...

Stress has moved into my life like a tornado (appropriate connection after today's weather fiasco). I have never felt stress like this before and I am finding it hard to manage. How stressed am I?

1. I am convinced today is Friday and have a desire to stay up late (even though I KNOW it is Wednesday and I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning).
2. I cannot remember whether I have washed my hair in the morning, so I wash my hair more than once.
3. I keep dropping things and walking into things (like doors and chairs) because I can't focus.

Now, while I do feel very stressed, I have found a few pretty wonderful escapes. (Although the stress is threatening to encroach on those escapes.)

1. Grad School (always)
2. My new workouts (I've lost 5 lbs!)
3. Talking with my friends about healthy food and working out.

I think I am experiencing an extra euphoric-ness (that has to be a word) after these stress-relieving activities due to the extreme nature of the stress. I think I must be going a little crazy, but hey, that's life. All I can do is keep trucking, pray for patience and hope the storm passes quickly.

-Tracey

Your Yellow Rose of Texas Remembers

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.

I remember standing on that stage in my yellow dress that you told me made me look like your “Yellow Rose of Texas”.
The look in your eyes said you were impressed with the young lady who twirled in your living room, curls bouncing, an innocent smile upon her face.

I remember that one summer vacation when we fished nearly everyday.
The dock has remained absent for these years as it doesn’t hold the same jubilant spirit that died with you.
All the memories lay dormant in my mind, the fishing, the laughing, the life lessons…
The arguing, the yelling, the chastising, and seeing myself in your reflection.

I remember the day you came charging the house on the golf cart, yelling for me to come,
I jumped on and we raced to the pond where your fishing pole hung on the dock.
You shouted orders for me to hold the pole out of the water while you shot and I didn’t understand,
But when I pulled the pole out, I saw the snake eating the fish and watched you shoot,
I still don’t know why I remember that memory, but it’s one of the clearest.

I remember you teaching me the little bit of Spanish I still recall today.
I think you’d be proud of my teaching,
And to know that what you taught me held meaning.
You were strong and impatient and the reason we were so close is that I am from the same mold.
The strength and tough exterior layer is what has gotten me through these past 6 years and especially the past 2.

I remember watching the Winter Olympics that year and arguing over the winners.
I loved figure skating and you took an interest to it…
You watched every bit of the competition just to be able to fight with me.
I loved that, even if we drove Grandma crazy with our constant bickering.
I am sad that we never came to a resolution.

I remember nursing your hand when you burned yourself or cut yourself fixing dinner when Grandma was in the nursing home.
We drove to see her almost every day,
And I helped you run your errands like buying fish food and turnips.
You were the person who taught me how to write a check because you refused to use a card.

I remember holding your hand and crying with you when Gidget the cat died of cancer,
It was one of the first times I had seen a grown man cry.
That taught me it is ok to cry sometimes, even if you are tough.
Tears are love pouring from within,
One of the few tangible reminders that love without pain isn’t deep enough.

I remember talking about what I would be when I grew up and sitting in your lap.
You were so proud that I would soon be graduating high school.
We talked about A&M and I showed you the acceptance letter.
You said you would give me a red rose for graduation like you did to wish me good luck in the pageant…
I know you sent me one from Heaven, where I hope you now reside.

I remember the best Christmas ever and the one that still fills my brain and heart with joy reminding me that they can be connected.
Going to the hospital and seeing you lay there so helpless but full of spirit,
Teasing me that I should be wearing the heart monitor because my heart was jumping for the ignorant boy I brought with me to see you,
Laughing a laugh I had never heard.

I remember that Christmas seeing you laugh and smile and home surrounded by family.
I had never seen you or everyone else so happy and I was blissfully happy at the news the doctor gave that we would have you for many more years…
That Christmas stays with me full of joy and love and zero pain.

I remember so many things about you but most of all, I remember my one regret.
The doctor’s words and promises of “years” echoed in my mind as I became absorbed in my own life…
Obsessing with my first love, rebelling against the rules I had tirelessly followed,
Rushing through my last few months of high school as if life would run out,
Forgetting to come visit you like I had done every day for 6 years.

I remember that I had not seen you in 2 weeks, despite the fact that you lived less than a football field away.

I remember waking early that Sunday morning to the phone ringing and hearing dad’s words utter my worst fear.

I remember pulling the covers over my ears and pretending I didn’t hear because then it wouldn’t be true.

I remember hearing the sirens rush by outside and knowing where they were going and what they would find.

I remember my phone buzzing by my ear, sounding like the scratching of nails on a chalkboard and stabbing me from the inside out.

I remember sprinting as fast as I could next door and being scared to death to walk inside.

I remember smelling death as I walked inside and seeing the red outlines of eyes in the pained faces of everyone.

I remember kneeling down beside you and touching your hand, which was laying over your chest.

6 years without you and I am still reminded…
Every Sunday in church as we praise God with “Amazing Grace”,
I am taken back to the saddest day, tears blinding, my thoughts a blur.
Every Spring when the yellow roses come into full bloom, I am reminded.
Your Yellow Rose of Texas remembers and misses you still.

Perspective...

Life is all about perspective. This year, I did not make any New Year's Resolutions (I feel a little old for this), but instead made two goals that I am going to actively work on throughout the year: 1. Be healthier (both in eating and exercising) and 2. Be more optimistic. Now, I am not really a pessimistic person but through my job of the last two years, I have changed so much as a person and become more pessimistic than I have ever been. I am not nearly as naive as I was once and my views on education have changed drastically since taking this job. I'm actually a bit sad that has happened, but as everything happens for a reason, I will see the true effects within the next few years. I am curious to see how my new views will affect my grad school studies and research in the future.

Now, onto perspective...life changes perspective based on what we are doing at that particular time. I have always been a go-getter, busy type of person. Lately, I have been talking to all the student teachers at my school and it is really quite amusing to hear them talk about "getting up early" and "being so tired". When I started student teaching, I'll admit, I was tired too but I was actually working and moving LESS not more. Despite working less hours, I was more tired. I've been thinking about this a great deal lately because I feel like I live in a constant state of exhaustion. Again, I'm confused because in undergrad, I would wake up at 6 every morning and be gone from my house until 9 or 10 that night...and didn't think anything of it. Now, I wake up at 5 and am usually home around 8 or 9 and am so tired I can barely function to get to bed.

As I've been thinking on this topic, I have found the answer. When I was an undergraduate student, I would wake up early, get ready, go to classes, have lunch, go to job #1, volunteer, go to class, go to job #2, go to meetings, tutor, come home. Now, I wake up early, get ready, go to work, go to class/or workout, come home. I need to constantly be moving, experiencing change and loving everything I am doing. Right now, I am stuck in a box all day...sometimes, I miss the sun (he wakes up after me and goes to bed before me). So, it is easy to see how this can be exhausting.

Ok, it sounds like I've been complaining but I'm trying not to. I love my life and everything in it. However, I have mentioned before that ambition is my most redeeming yet devastating characteristic. So, it's all about perspective. What is most important? What do I want to spend my time doing most? For some reason, this has become the most simple but complicated question I've ever had to answer. The answer is staring me in the face, completely easy to answer. However, the execution of that answer has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while.

As I begin yet another absolutely crazy semester (working 60+ hours, taking 2 grad school courses, fitting in workouts, spending time with family and friends, researching, trying to have a social life, etc.), I feel my head clear. I'm realizing that I can still be ambitious without "doing it all". If I focus on what is most important to me and give it my all, I am still being ambitious without over-exerting myself. Hell, I may even smile a bit more, be more pleasant and turn back into the person that I really liked being. I almost feel like I've been stuck in my "Quarter-life crisis" for the past few years. I can honestly say the past two years have not been the best, but they will stay with me for a long time because they are driving where I will be in the future.

Here's to a crazy semester and finishing one chapter of my life with a BANG! :)

-Tracey

Answers to prayers...

Ambition. This is by far my most redeeming quality. It is also my greatest character flaw. Many times I find that my "go-get-em" mentality or need for continual growth impede on my life. In fact, I really feel for my family and close friends as even they don't know what to do with me all the time. I often hear, "well, you just have to decide what you want to do most".

In the past few months, I have really struggled to make some decisions about what endeavors in my life to pursue and what to push aside. I have spoken about it with my best friends, my parents, professors, past teachers...many people. Today, I had a spontaneous conversation on this very topic with a colleague...and I have to say it was...refreshing. I feel like she actually said things in a way that made the most sense and was phrased better than I've heard. She simply said..."why do you want the things you want? What is the purpose for your ambition?" When I think about things in that way, I realize that there are some things I feel genuinely passionate about and then there are some things I do just to "pad the resume".

1. PhD (this is a genuine passion...the most genuine passion I have)
2. Teaching (this is also a genuine passion...I love my students, planning and sharing my knowledge of the English language)
3. English graduate courses online (this is another genuine love...while it does not compare to my students or my PhD, it is something I enjoy and do for the love of learning more about my deepest passion)
4. Leadership opportunities at work (yet another thing that I truly love. I have a need to be a leader in my work environment - I want to be able to influence changes and help the school grow and I really want to work with teachers on a deeper level)
5. Everything else really falls below the spectrum of my passions...including coaching, sorry!

The other thing this colleague mentioned to me was that I couldn't let my ambition get in the way of people. Luckily, I have been better about this over the years. I have very supportive, secure and loving relationships with my family and friends. They are my support system and the crux of what keeps me going. Without them, my ambition would fall apart. And, of course, I still have the sweetest puppy in the world to come home to each night! :)

It is so comforting to know God is still watching out and helping me...even when I don't realize He is!

-Tracey

Musings of a...bridesmaid! :)

Well, 2012 has started off wonderfully, despite being only 3 days old! :) This is sure to be a year of change and firsts and I cannot wait to experience it all. While I have decided not to set any "New Years Resolutions" for this year, I do have some goals (as always) that I hope to accomplish this year.

1. Maintain the 4.0 and attend/present at (at least) one conference.
2. Complete a 5K and at least one longer race.
3. Go to Vegas.
4. Travel more, in general.
5. Get in shape (seriously!)
6. Maintain optimism in everything I do. (I'm blessed and God has a plan for me to do good no matter where I am...I need to stay focused on that.)
7. Continue enjoying every moment of the greatness around me!

So far, I have seen how just being more optimistic can influence and improve the quality of my life. :)

I mentioned this would be a year of firsts for me...beginning with my first time to become a bridesmaid! Yes, I've had friends get married but never a very close friend. I'm so excited to be part of this experience (and I'm already on the bridesmaid-shoe browsing). Secondly, this year will mark my first time to run longer races than a 5K (and my first 5K in a while). I'm not sure if I'll make a half this year, but I'm going to try for a multi-miler. This will also be a new year of visiting new places. I am definitely visiting Colorado for the first time and I hope to make Vegas at some point as well. I'm young, I'm free and I'm feeling a thirst for more adventure! :)

-Tracey